The children

Being able to do something for the first time at 45 is fantastic, isn't it? A trip with children, something I have wanted to do for a long time but have never dared. Strange that something that grows out of the ground is still illegal. As if you can punish or lock someone up by eating something that simply grows. That's why I don't know how open I can be about this experience. Not out of fear for my own freedom or anything, but more out of respect for those who make this work possible.

A little over a year ago I ended up at C. and W. after having done Kambo three times. I was looking for ways to be somewhat happy in this life without taking antidepressants. Looking for a way to manage depression. I had already read a lot about experiments with microdosages of MDMA in the United States. In the 1960s, a lot of research was being done on this. Especially with LSD. Apparently that was promising. How it became illegal is a long and complex story. I suspect that many people are afraid of freedom. And we often unconsciously create a society full of control out of a kind of collective fear. Hippies were a threat to many people.

A year ago I started very slowly reducing antidepressants (Efexor 75mg). With the emphasis on very slowly. I had drawn up my own plan to finish it in three months. Most importantly, I had that goal in mind, to start using microdoses of psilocybin. And I managed to completely stop taking Effexor by the end of February 2021. I had to be off the antidepressants for a month, so around mid-March I met with C. and W again. So you have to be careful with the combination of psilocybin and certain medications. And I would advise everyone to discuss this with your doctor. You can find enough information about this online (here and here for example). Guidance is very important.

I have been taking microdoses of psilocybin for a year now and it is still difficult to explain what it does. In any case, it is different from antidepressants. Antidepressants cause a kind of leveling off for me, but also a leveling off of everything, including the beautiful and good feelings. For me, psilocybin makes the good moments twice as good. Psilocybin ensures that the positive things in the small daily tasks are increased. The difficult feelings are still there, but the positive is somewhat increased. And by increasing the positive, it becomes more possible to include those negative things and tackle them if necessary. Hard to explain, but that's what it feels like to me. I have also not experienced any side effects, which cannot be said with antidepressants and neuroleptics.

It is also important that I do not want to make any statements for or against antidepressants and neuroleptics. Helping people is simply the most important thing. And whether that's with antidepressants or psilocybin or crystal balls, who the fuck cares. And if the medical industry can't make money with psilocybin, screw them. Healthcare should be about helping people, not about always making more and more money.

And so yesterday a new chapter in my story with the children began. With microdosing there is no such thing as a 'trip'. Until yesterday I didn't even know what a 'trip' was. The aim of microdosing is to ensure that you continue to function in your daily routine. If this is not the case, the dose is too high. If you don't feel anything at all, the dose may be too low. That depends from person to person. Yesterday was a first encounter with a change in consciousness. Words are difficult things. What is consciousness and what is a change therein? I was scared, I can tell you that. My experiences with Kambo and Marihuana are not exactly pleasant. And my only time with MDMA was a lot of fun until the next day... So I hadn't really had any good experiences with those things yet. The intention with such things is always very important, as is the setting. And have confidence in the people around you. All those things were very present yesterday. For example, while my intention with Kambo was often to let go, yesterday I had decided to approach it in a more positive way. The intention yesterday was surrender and safety. Letting go is better than letting go because letting go is too destructive. Letting go is suicide in the extreme, and we don't want that anymore. For me, the intention of safety was to be able to feel what it is like to really feel safe and supported.

Reporting is difficult because you are asking me to talk about a world for which I have no vocabulary. The most important thing for me was that I handed over a lot of things to people. I handed over things that didn't belong in my backpack. I put that prayer in cedar and then gave it to the fire. And safety was also a very important one. Not for a second did I feel unsafe with C. and W. We played music, sang songs, played the drums, played the guitar, occasionally talked a bit and often I lay down on the cold ground. Those moments lying on my back were wonderful moments. When I closed my eyes I saw mathematical geometric shapes and often found myself in tunnels full of mathematical splendor. Life is a lot of mathematics that is so complex that in the long run it no longer seems like mathematics. Complexity leads to illusion. Illusion of free will, illusion of freedom, illusion of good and evil, and so on... Being there yesterday was also a kind of authentic movement and a long circle. Not once was I concerned with 'what am I going to do now? what can I do? can I talk?'. I just let what came come. And one moment I was lying on the floor, the next moment I was sitting by the fire, the next moment I was playing the guitar and singing, ... Only when I had to go to the toilet did I occasionally find myself back in my thoughts and fear for a moment. Can we imagine that during such a journey things can suddenly change and that fear comes to the fore. In any case, I am extremely grateful that things did not take such a turn yesterday. That's why I never just do this at home without supervision. It will always be with the right guidance, with the right people and in the right setting. For me, it's my curiosity that makes me want to do this work, not a hunger for anesthesia.

Time flew. Just like in a sweat lodge. Time is something of our thinking. Time only exists if we want to grab it. We've been around forever. Guilt and fear are constructs in our heads that arise over time. Guilt is the past, fear is the future. But past and future are things that can only exist now. You can only think about the past and future right now. You can't go back to yesterday and you can't go forward to tomorrow. Yesterday only came in a now moment and tomorrow will only come in a now moment. But what now? Today is quite difficult. Is there anything more than figurative death and letting go? But then I really have to let go of everything... I understand that my ego rebels against this. Today it is difficult because yesterday during the day I had the idea "this can stay like this for the rest of my life"... It is doubly because how do I integrate yesterday's experience into my life? Somehow I find it easier to integrate a sweat lodge into my life. Yesterday is harder because it was a different world. Well, of course it wasn't a different world, it was the same world through a different lens. Maybe this is just the beginning of an adventure. Maybe I've already arrived and I don't have to get anywhere anymore. Those were my thoughts yesterday too. I've worked enough and suffered enough, now I'm going to enjoy myself. Yesterday was a kind of reward. Now I'm just going to give to the world. Giving my music to the world. Moment by moment. My thoughts may be there, but my thoughts are like the sounds of the world. I don't choose them. There may be thoughts, there may be sounds, there may be pain, there may be sights and there may be feelings. Sadness is okay, fear is okay, laughter is okay, crying is okay, shouting is okay. Everything is allowed. And is this all there is? Perhaps this is indeed all there is.

And yet I think there is something beyond the veil, beyond the frosted glass, something that Jesus and Buddha realized. And I don't know if you can call it realizing. Perhaps it is in letting go that you suddenly realize that there is nothing to know. Perhaps in letting go you will become an instrument of something higher, whatever that may be. Enlightenment is somewhere that you cannot write down. If you try to achieve it you will never succeed. It is in not trying that it is possible. It is in not trying anymore that it comes. And consciously not trying is also trying, so it doesn't work that way. Bringing the world to a standstill is the best phrase I know to describe it. And even that is not correct because I don't know what it is. Not yet. And I hope I don't get there again. I'm already there. Often we don't know what we want because we already have it.

There is still one last step for me in this work. Yesterday was a time to enjoy and relax. But I feel that there is some kind of final sprint coming to accept everything as it is. To stop the fight. It would be foolish to think that I am there when I am walking around with so many fears at the same time. Maybe that is the last intention, to see what is behind that last great fear. That last great fear that prevents me from sleeping on Agape, that last great fear that prevents me from urinating when someone is standing next to me, that last great fear that causes me to have panic attacks on a plane or bus, that last great fear that is apparently still more concerned with others than with myself, that last great fear that still wants to keep controlling... That last great fear is a fear that holds back. For fear of giving myself completely to the world, I use that fear as an excuse. I kind of turned it around, thinking that fear was there first. But that fear wasn't there before. I started holding myself back from the world and then created fear as an excuse. Something to tell myself. I have to work on that. I should not look to eradicate that fear, I should not focus on that fear, I should focus on not holding back anymore and then the fear will no longer have a right to exist. Don't hold back anymore. Taking risks. To dare. The fear was never the problem, the holding back was the problem. Building confidence, building strength, believing in myself, throwing myself, doing, this is my world, this is my life.

Thanks C. and W. I look forward to seeing you! For this post I will choose the following song, because it should often also be about celebrating life. It doesn't always have to be a struggle. Every day we can choose (I know Ruben...) to make it the best day possible. Every day. Recently I was in the car with Romée and Odile and we each took turns playing songs. One of their songs was a remix of the song below. The original is still a thousand times better than remixes. Sun, sea, beach, sea, blue, traveling, a sultry salty wind in your hair, life, ... It reminds me of this summer, of the trip with Paulien, of the trip to Collioure, of eating pizza at the lake in the evening, being on the road, just being on the road and nothing more. Just being on the road is more than enough.

Furthermore, with this post I would also like to remember Bert Van Lancker, known as Bertje in Ghent and surrounding areas. Next is something I wrote on Facebook. For me that was Bertje. I will carry him in my heart forever.

People like you Bertje teach me to be a better person. Because of people like you I learn to live my days more deeply. Because of people like you I learn to be gentler with others and with myself. You teach me that nothing is more important than a hug and a chat. You teach me that my ugliness comes from within. And now you're teaching me that when I get up it might be my last day. And that I can make that last day the best day. You teach me to be here now and not yesterday or tomorrow. Learn and don't learn because I will carry you and your message in my heart every day for the rest of my life. Of all the people I know, you have the softest front, the strongest back and the wildest heart. I love you dude. I'm going to sleep with one tear, but tomorrow I'm going to live for two. X