Worthless

I think P. got to the core of my trauma, namely worthlessness. That's a gift I've been given. There is still paper around but little by little I am opening it. My father leaving when I was five must have made me feel worthless beyond measure. My stepfather leaving when I was 25 must have made me feel worthless. Every one that left me made me feel worthless. Mélanie leaving me made me feel worthless. And now Paulien leaving me makes me feel worthless. All is a replay of something I came to believe when I was a child. That has to stop now and it will stop now. We will replace this brainwashing with other beliefs. We are going to change that framework little by little. And in the meantime we will also play and enjoy life.

During the past month and a half something strange has happened to me. A kind of dissociation. I don't know much anymore. By saying that I don't know much anymore, I don't actually take responsibility for my behavior. And that's not okay. I know quite well what happened. The many messages, emails and calls. I feel guilty about it but I'm going to practice forgiveness. Forgiving myself. Forgiving myself of the lie I believed for a month and a half, namely that I am worthless. It's that lie that makes me ugly. I mainly failed myself. Mostly I hurt myself. To believe that lie.

I miss you is dependency. And dependence is not bad. Just knowing that I miss you creates a dependency. By the way, that's a phrase I've never heard from P. Maybe at the very beginning. However, that says more about her than it does about me. I'm not a burden, I'm not worthless and I'm more than worth it.

And I can say to my daughters *** Take good care of your mom. And you are always welcome here.***

And so we will recite the following text thousands of times over the coming months, until my entire body believes it, from head to toe.

Forgive me for believing and still believing that I am worthless and have no right to exist.
This is a lie.
I came to believe this when I was a child.
This is madness.
The truth is that I am a child of love. That my value is intrinsic. And that every child of love has the right to exist. Forgive me for forgetting that I am a child of love. Forgive me for forgetting that I am enough. Forgive me for forgetting it's safe.
The truth is that as a child of love, I am always taken care of.
The truth is that as a child of love I lack nothing and that I am allowed to discover, take risks, play and rest.
The truth is, I don't have to do anything to deserve love.
This is who I am and what I have always been.
This is true now and it will always be true. I am a child of love. My worth has been determined.

I was brainwashed into believing that I am worthless. But now I REALLY ENJOY letting go of that brainwashing. I LOVE becoming free of it.

I forgive myself for forgetting that I am allowed to relax.

I forgive myself for forgetting that everything will be okay.

I forgive myself for forgetting that I am a beautiful man.

I forgive myself for forgetting that I can trust.