Two letters

I don't like writing about this. The pain is finally gone a bit. The assignment of the first lesson of The Gift by Edith Eger is to describe in a first letter a situation in which I was hurt. Describe clearly what the other person did, or what happened to you that you didn't like. Put all that on the table. Share how the actions, words or events affected you. Then write another letter to the same person, or about the same situation, but this time write a thank you letter expressing your gratitude for what the other person has taught you about yourself, or how the situation has helped you grow. The purpose of the thank you letter is not to pretend that you liked something you didn't like. And also not that you force yourself to be happy about something that was painful. Acknowledge that what happened was wrong and that it hurt. Also notice the healing power of changing your perspective from a powerless victim to who you really are: a survivor, a strong person.***

First letter. You left on a world trip and I let you go little by little. Maybe never completely, but why would I let go of a friend completely? I had let go of the idea of ​​a relationship. When you got back, I also sincerely suggested that you live here with me for a while. That wasn't easy, but I really wanted to believe that we were friends. I was also dating and meeting others as well. When you came back I was actually with someone. In retrospect, it wasn't okay to let you live here. Giving money from yourself was also not possible. Somehow you always take advantage of the situation or of me. But that's after the fact. I didn't actually realize it at the time. I then left for camping Kiwi with Romée and Odile and it was a wonderful trip. Before we left we spent some time together at Copacobana. That was so unpleasant again. You always feel miserable and project that onto your sister, for example. Or your parents. Or on me. And it was always actually my fault. I was the one who fell short or didn't get along well with your sister... And every time you actually feel like a loser or not good enough for one of your best friends. You just needed everything as an excuse not to choose me. Or just often being negative... Or not accepting me as I am. It was not choosing you for me that ensured that I could and should never be myself. You shouldn't turn things around.

Once back from the Ardèche, I don't really know much anymore. I don't think we saw each other during the Ghent parties, nor did we in the following weeks. I have been there for you, in your search for another job, when your mother drove you a bit crazy in the Netherlands, when you wanted to escape from everything here, ... I even looked for work for you on the vdab website and advised you to go to interim offices. I'll never get much back. You have probably come here dozens of times for fries over the years, but conversely you have almost never been invited. I often felt used. I was often ok as plan B. As long as I didn't make any demands on our relationship it was ok for you. And I don't mean relationship in the sense of partners, I mean relationship in the sense of just two friends of each other. We then made love with each other on a Saturday afternoon. Which was blissful. And in the following weeks we did that more often. Perhaps to your annoyance, I know a lot. Things often turn bad for you afterwards. Imagine that you would indeed like to see me... You then went for a walk to the Meersen with Romée, Odile and I. We went for a walk to Burreken twice. We were friends. It was ok for me and now in retrospect maybe not. It was okay for me, but where the whole world saw us as a relationship, you always saw something different. Commitment, you didn't participate in that. You actually always made sure that you couldn't get hurt yourself. By always calling us something different. By not recognizing me. By not choosing me. It's not that I hoped we'd be in a relationship again, it's that it just always became that. A relationship. Or at least what people do in a relationship. Supporting each other, going for a walk together, making love, kissing, ... We were not friends with benefits. That's something different. We were in a relationship where I took all the risk and you took none of the risk.

And then, on my advice, you went to see Dirk in La Geneytouse. It immediately didn't feel right when you left. Agape is my home and I should not have shared that. I had already shared the training with you for four years. I had given a lot to you for four years. Sharing that with you, including the car ride with Els, was extremely vulnerable. I had already shared my entire world with you and now it felt like there was a possibility that you were going to destroy it for me, that you were going to destroy my home. And that actually happened. The day you returned I really wanted to see you, but things had happened that I actually knew nothing about. Were you mad at me? Were you angry with yourself? And what the fuck did I actually do wrong... Actually, I got that right between us 95% of the time. Always given you space and freedom. All you do is always cite those two examples of that ring and those photos. And you just sweep everything else off the table. Never do you even acknowledge the love that was between us. Never do you even acknowledge the pleasure that was between us. Never do you acknowledge how welcome you always were here. Never do you acknowledge how much you were loved by Romée and Odile. Never you acknowledge me.

Then you came home. And that evening I went to see you. I had sent a message that I didn't want to have sex. Maybe I should have stuck to that too. Maybe I just shouldn't have come to you. It didn't feel good anymore and I wanted to fight my way out. I wanted someone who could choose me, not someone who used me. That evening we chatted, that evening you were able to say what you wanted to say. And I listened. I didn't take anything personally, which is further proof that I have almost always behaved very maturely in our relationship. Despite the ring and the photos. And then we kissed and that was one of the most wonderful kisses of my life. And then we made love and it was wonderful. Simply delicious. Whatever you make of it afterwards, at the time itself it was wonderful. I hope that one day you will realize that I was never able to be completely myself because you never chose me either. When friends of yours were there, I wasn't allowed to be myself. And then you accuse me that people never got to know the Lieven you knew. How? Because I couldn't and wasn't allowed to be myself for you. That was Saturday evening. I also came on Sunday evening and it was wonderful again. And then I probably came again on Tuesday evening and it was wonderful again. Then I started seriously stressing about the release show. It was an explosive mix the week before the release show. Wonderful evenings with you mixed with enormous amounts of anxiety and stress. I needed you and you didn't want that. You always gave so little and always took so much. Me needing you felt suffocating to you. I haven't needed you that often in those four/five years. In the beginning yes, but then I was a different Lieven. The release show was an immense task for me. All those preparations, months of working, rehearsing, arranging things, ... Needing you doesn't feel like a bad thing even now. It feels normal. You've needed me sometimes too and I've always been there. And then you can start talking about your teeth again, but that will indeed always destroy everything. That whole release show has actually become a bad memory because of you. Helping me the evening itself didn't feel good for you either. Having sex that week before didn't feel good for you afterwards. You turn all good things into bad things.

The Sunday after the release show I crashed. Something that is not so illogical I think. However, you no longer wanted to be there for me. Have you ever really been there for me? Is it really true that you have had to be there for me so often in recent years? That you had to take care of me? During that training I learned to take care of myself. I did learn to take care of myself at Vision Quest. People also take care of each other. People in a relationship take care of each other. Friends take care of each other. You don't want to be dependent on anyone, nor do you want to do anything for anyone. If someone expects something, then you are certainly not going to do it. If I told you what I wanted, you certainly wouldn't do it. Even in lovemaking. Because it had to come from yourself. But there was just so little coming out of yourself. You just barely do anything on your own. Not even a card in the mail, not even cooking, not even suggesting to do something, ... It mainly always came from me. And you just surfed along. I crashed really hard after the release show and you just wanted to get on with your life. You had no time for me. Maybe you even had a thing for Noor that week in La Geneytouse. You shouldn't have showed up at my door ten times in the weeks that followed. The truth is, you've been at my door zero times. Zero point Zero times have you been here. You were here once after that week, Dirk, and that was the Friday before the release show. And even then I actually had to ask if you could come. Actually, that was too much to ask. Actually, a friendship or relationship is difficult for you. You then have to take someone else into account. Sometimes you do something against your will.

On Wednesday I had to go to the doctor. I had to rest. I was exhausted and in complete panic. Many things suddenly coincided and you often see things out of context. I didn't crash because you suddenly distanced yourself so much. I crashed because of months of preparation for that release show. And it got triple as bad because you decided to just not be there. I had to call a few more times while crying, maybe two or three times, but that was it. Most of all, it was the feeling you gave me. The feeling that I was no longer welcome in your world. Especially not with misery and panic. That's called friendship. And also that nonsense that every time you wanted to let me go in the past, I completely collapsed. That's not right. That happened when you left for Argentina and that has happened now. There have been other times when we have ended the relationship and everything went very smoothly. You turn things around. If I got into trouble in recent years, you just didn't want to know about it. You didn't want to have to put any energy into it. And if it's something mental, that makes things worse. For example, if I had been in the emergency room with something physical before Argentina and after the Release Show, that would have been a completely different story. You just didn't want to be there because it was difficult. And it's not difficult for you. You want to be free and it shouldn't take any effort. And so it went on and I started having the kind of pain that is excruciating. Fortunately, I then started reaching out to other friends. To my Baskuul family, to friends, to Dirk and Niek, ... That does not alter the fact that my best friend had decided to abandon me. And then there are the accusations and messages and emails, but it was incomprehensible to me that you left me alone in so much pain. It had so little to do with you that I still can't believe you did this. If you had actually been a friend after the release show, things wouldn't have escalated to such an extent.

And then we went to Dirk. To talk about us. The rest is almost history. I almost don't even dare write about it, it hurt so much. In such things I am always convinced that it was my fault. It wasn't. You acted like a bitch. We sat there talking about us for an hour. We could learn something. I also learned something about myself. And about you. An hour was just absolutely not enough. In retrospect, I also wonder how you could sit there that way. You had a thing for Noor. I have no idea how serious that was. But you did have a thing for Noor. And don't say that to Dirk, I don't understand that. It makes me feel like a loser. And that's not okay. I also knew at the end that you didn't feel like not dating for three months. That was immediately clear. You also want to experiment or get to know other men or women. That's all okay. But then when you return to the car you say so obliquely that you had something with Noor... Well... The pain that it caused. I hope that one day you will realize it and apologize properly. Otherwise you're not worthy of ever seeing me again. When I write it all down like this... I feel used and abused. Abused in those three evenings after you got back from Dirk. Abused because you say afterwards that it wasn't fun, that you didn't want it... I feel abused in that. Used because I gave you so much and was often treated like dirt. People could never get to know the Lieven you knew, but those Lieven were also not allowed to exist in your world.

The following weekend I had to go to a sweat lodge where Noor was. I felt like shit. I really felt worthless, not with Els and not with Noor. You hurt me to the depths of my heart. In the four/five years that we have known each other, I have hardly ever received a letter from you. You know, I've never had any trouble. You have rarely made an effort. You just do what you want and what you want and you often don't care if you hurt other people. It's like you're just desensitized to such things. Do you actually still feel? Making love like we did is not without obligation. You can't just use people. You did that to me. You used me. The overdose of mushrooms also opened everything up even more. I had to cry for days on end. You just closed yourself off. If you were already an ice queen, you would now build an igloo around you. You made me feel like my life was worthless to you. You made me feel like you had to take care of me for four/five years. I've been there for you too. Even more than you to me. I have cared for you too, even though you just can't see it. You don't see it because you're using people. You remind me of my father. If things weren't going well for you, or in Corona, or if it suited you, then I was welcome in your life. And if you went on a trip, or had plans, or met someone else (like Noor), then I just had to fuck off. Then I literally and figuratively no longer existed. You do need therapy. What you did is not okay. Also when I said in the car that you should do a Vision Quest at another organization, you said I do what I want. And indeed it is. You just do what you want without any consideration. Certainly not with me. Take me into account... I don't understand you. I could keep writing but that's really what it comes down to. You never chose me. I was never welcome in your world. Yes, the first year, but not after that. The first year a relationship was actually unrealistic. It was only later, when it became realistic and matured, that you ran away in fear every time. Every time it was so fun between us and felt so good that it started to feel like a relationship, you walked away. A relationship for you is giving up things. Sacrifice. That doesn't work for you. You don't want to have to take anyone into account. I'm writing it all very loudly now. But the way you have treated me for the last 7 weeks is simply not okay. And you may just have to learn it the hard way in the coming years. In other relationships. And then maybe one day realize that maybe you should have made a little more effort for a beautiful, strong man and soul like me.

Aho.

Second letter. Gratitude. I don't know yet what I have learned in recent weeks. I see that I haven't actually done that much wrong in the last four/five years. I am grateful that I was able to love someone in such a mature way. I am grateful that I learned that I am a beautiful man worth choosing. In recent weeks I have learned that I am a survivor and that I may be stronger than I think. I'm grateful that everything has come to a bit of a standstill. It was rehab from four years of training, making an album, working as a team lead, ... Over the last six weeks I have learned that I am surrounded by a huge number of friends. People who all really like me. I am grateful for all the opportunities it has given me. Bram and Rosalie, Anouchka, Niek, Dirk, my Baskuul family, Charlotte, Nathalie, Leen, ... an abundance of people I can reach out to. I am grateful that I was able to assist with the Fire Keepers training. I am also grateful that I will further investigate with Dirk what exactly is going on here. I don't think there's much wrong with me. Together with Mélanie it was something different. Back then I was not at all the Lieven that I am now. I'm grateful that I can see all that now and grateful that I can see my own strength and beauty. There's still a way to go but I'll give myself another 5.5 years! I am grateful for all the beautiful moments we have experienced together. That first meeting during Corona, the Camping Kiwi week and the day of kayaking, the Ardennes week, being able to celebrate New Year's Eve with you in the Netherlands, the times we broke up and still remained friends, the moments we sang together and played the guitar, eating together, the trip to Pieter, ... There are too many to list, beautiful memories, good memories, ... The week Riederalp and the two weekends Wissant are perhaps the most wonderful memories. I am grateful that I was able to be Lieven in all those moments. Grateful that someone loved me so much that I started to love myself. Also thanks to that training, thanks to Agape. Over the last four/five years I have learned how beautiful I am and how much I like to be seen. I am grateful for your wild heart that has brought me such joy. Grateful for the wonderful making love that has done me so much good. Grateful for the humor and intelligence that have been so helpful to me. I am grateful for the many times you came to eat fries so that it was also a more enjoyable evening for me and Romée and Odile.

I am grateful that there is now a void and that other opportunities may come. Maybe someone will come into my life and it will be even better. Someone who commits to me, chooses me, 100%. And someone I commit to and choose. I have learned so much about myself in recent years, also thanks to you. I have learned that someone can really like me. I have learned that I am worth it. And I have also learned that I want to be with someone who really chooses me. I've learned that I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. Someone who finds being with me important, for example the travel destination. Someone who finds being with me and having fun the most important thing. I also learned that I need to learn to say stop faster. Learned what I want and what I don't want. I want the love, the friendship, the fun, the energy. I don't want to be plan B. I don't want to just be friends when it's actually something more. I want to be recognized. I've learned that I want to be recognized. I have learned that, despite my fears, there is enough within me to choose.

I have grown immensely in the last four/five years. Those three trips, to the Ardennes, to Pieter and to Riederalp, did me a lot of good. And the two weekends in Wissant were fairytale. I have also grown by always letting you go, by giving you space. I grew because I had less and less separation anxiety. Grown because I didn't own you. I set you free and because of that there was something beautiful between us. I have grown in finding who I am. I am grateful that you went to Argentina because I was able to practice letting go. I am grateful that you went on a world trip because it allowed me to practice letting go again. Letting go in a beautiful way. And I am grateful for what happened in the car about a month ago because I was able to see and learn that that is not okay. That there are boundaries and that you cannot simply cross all boundaries. There is a difference between letting go and giving each other space and just hurting people. I am grateful for this lesson and I hope I will learn something from it for the next relationship. I notice that it is not that easy to write such a second letter of gratitude. But it is correct. I don't have to throw everything away. I get to keep things close to my heart. The much love and friendship between us. Without having to justify everything. I've grown in so many different ways in the last four/five years that I probably don't see it yet. There are still many echoes of that old Lieven and little by little I will continue to work on that. If I can achieve this in four/five years, what in another five/six years. How grateful I am for that trip to Riederalp. What an abundance that week. Beautiful weather, being able to stay a few days longer, that beautiful chalet, Femke and Sven, ideal conditions, ... It almost hurts to think about it... Sometimes things don't get better. That week couldn't have been better. I'm grateful to see that I want someone who realizes that too. Someone who knows when things are good. Someone who knows what to choose.

I am also grateful that I learned to set my limits faster and more often. Learned that I should avoid confrontation much less, despite the fear of abandonment. I cannot let separation anxiety make certain choices because then I give my power away to the world. I can now choose for myself. You taught me that I too often swallow my words for fear of losing the other person. I'm not going to do that anymore. My moral compass is in pretty good shape and my heart is in the right place. I probably bumped into that ice queen many times without even realizing it. Or I hit that ice and immediately went into separation anxiety. I have to learn to stick to my point of view and opinion. To stick with my feelings. To stick to my intuition. I am also grateful for the lesson that feelings are not always mutual. And I am also grateful for the lesson that friends are there for each other. Friends don't just completely abandon each other. That's not okay.

I am grateful for the many hugs. Grateful that I miss them now so I can see and feel how nourishing and blissful they were. I am grateful for the many walks in Burreken. I am also grateful for your travels. I don't know if I actually want to travel like that. Grateful for all those insights. Grateful also that I now suddenly realize and see that my tense body is the reason for much of my unhappiness and sadness. Grateful that I can now practice accepting that without resigning myself to it. I am grateful that I now want to show even more that I am worth it. Thankful that I want to show that you may still regret this. I am a beautiful person and I deserve a beautiful woman who chooses me. I am grateful that I have learned that I can also have a positive influence on someone else's life. Grateful that I realize that I have given a lot to you. Grateful that I realize that I have a lot to offer. I am grateful to have grown so much in recent years and to have learned so much.

I forgot something. I'm also grateful that I was able to break down with you. Grateful that all that pain was allowed to come to the surface. Very old pain. Pain from when I was five years old. Grateful that that sea of ​​sadness finally became visible. And grateful that that sadness was allowed to be there for a while. I'm grateful to you for reminding me of that very old pain. You can't heal what you don't feel.

Aho.