Going on a trip

It's that time again. Going on a trip. All stops blow. Is it autism, is it a personality disorder, is it my past, is it my genes, is it an abnormality in my brain... A week before we leave on our trip it is total chaos in my head. I'm not thinking of anything in particular. It is change that is coming, and it will hit like a bomb. Especially after the last year full of burnouts, depressions, breakdowns, sadness, and so on. I hope that I can give my children and my wife the most fantastic holiday of their lives. Whether I will calm down... the chances seem small. I haven't been able to relax for a year. But who knows, I'm hoping for a miracle. The sea, the beach, the water, building sand castles, chilling, some nice music, ... Am I the only one who has all these questions in this life? Probably not. Maybe it's a degree worse from me. Whahhahahhahahhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, it's driving me crazy, I don't feel like I can make my own choices in life, have my own life under control. Who makes a choice when you make a choice? Your soul? Your brain? you? Then who is that, you? Do I have a choice? Perhaps the only choice is to surrender myself to the follies of this life. Don't worry, I would say. Tomorrow we leave for the south of France, to swim there, to enjoy it, but my brain doesn't always want to go along. As if mayhem has been programmed deep into my body cells. I don't think about anything. Nothing can happen. I could have a panic attack, I could get sick, I could go shit crazy, I could have to go to the emergency room, it's all okay, been there, done that. It's being more relaxed, letting things be as they are, letting my cells calm down. There is no survival anymore. There is no longer a super big monster that can come and eat me from under my bed. I don't need anything anymore. I am 40 years old, nothing has to be done anymore, I am no longer afraid of dying. Sometimes I'm afraid of going completely crazy. Imagine being trapped in space and time. That's my biggest fear. The time that stands still just when you have a panic attack. This probably comes from the fear that when you have an anxiety attack, you think it will never go away. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Bullshit. What a nonsense. Maybe later in my life, but so far that is not the case. Let's leave it at that and wish me a good holiday. I'm going to need it. Read a bit, swim, play with my children, spoil my wife, enjoy, shine, relax, even if it is only for 5 seconds, feel God again, a primal force. Peace out. Lieven.