Black Beast

And suddenly it's there again, that black beast. This time it hits even harder than before. I can't put any thoughts into it or weave a story around it that would make it pure feeling. It is immense loneliness. Like I've spent centuries alone somewhere in the darkness. And now I still put words on it even though that is almost impossible anymore. I then feel like A.I. who simply places a few words one after the other, randomly generated. Such an avalanche this time. I see that coming and there's nothing I can do. Cursed I feel in moments like this. Dirk tells me to reverse that story, but I don't even know if there is a story. Often it almost feels like something physical. Somewhere neurons are starting to fire signals in the wild. Can you call this a feeling? There is a lot of sadness. That's it. Lonely, is that a feeling? No, right? It's in my blood or something. I notice it's a kind of short circuit. That's the only word that comes closest to it. Short circuit. Fear. Fear is also the word. Fear is actually the feeling. Fear. The absence of love. Shortness of breath. Panic. Autism. Exhaustion? High functioning for far too long. I have to go through this again. Meeting with people. Do things. Getting out of that quicksand. And all this while I need rest. Ideal combo I must say. Always feel like there's something wrong with me. We are all children of love... I don't feel it at the moment. Fear is the absence of love for sure. And yet I am surrounded by more people than ever in my life. Although... a lot... I am surrounded, but I am still alone in my bed in an empty house. Is it really as simple as a story I told myself when I was a child? A lie? It is indeed madness. It feels like madness. And yet I don't feel the love anymore. Nowhere. Suddenly everything is gray.

That's how fast it goes, it's mind-boggling every time. Two weeks ago I made spaghetti here for the artists of the release show. A week ago I was happy with the preparations for the release show. Last Saturday evening there were 140 people that I would like to see at my release show. Hugs afterwards. And now that heaviness again. But damn it, I won't fight my way out of this in no time. I don't know whether that is wise. It's kind of like respecting it and yet not completely giving in. It's a fucking difficult thing, such depression. That must be probably the 20th or so time in my life. I know it. Every time I think shit, this will never go away.

I don't really understand depression. Nor why does it keep coming, especially after 32 blocks of Agape. I'll definitely practice telling that story. I don't want to go to sleep then, because then you wake up, and in the morning everything is even worse, because then you have to get through the day. And to think that no one knows why we live. What are we? Did I choose this myself? Shit. Every time I do something big like a Vision Quest or now a Release Show, I have it. Don't even want to talk about it anymore. Go away. Don't worry. Fuck vint. Flood my body with serotonin and dopamine and all the other hormones that just make you feel good. Fucking Jesus Christ.

Forgive me for believing and still believing that I am worthless and have no right to exist.
This is a lie.
I came to believe this when I was a child.
This is madness.
The truth is that I am a child of love. That my value is intrinsic. And that every child of love has the right to exist. Forgive me for forgetting that I am a child of love. Forgive me for forgetting that I am enough. Forgive me for forgetting it's safe.
The truth is that as a child of love, I am always taken care of, sometimes from unexpected places.
The truth is that as a child of love I lack nothing and I am allowed to explore, take risks, play and rest.
The truth is, I don't have to do anything to deserve love.
This is who I am and what I have always been.
This is true now and it will always be true. I am a child of love. My worth has been determined.