Vision Quest Summer 2022 Diary

Day 1

Hard to describe what I'm going through. Since the day before my departure I have been a nervous wreck. The first four days here, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday, were extremely difficult. So tense. Every half hour I had to go to the toilet to pee. This morning the Vision Quest itself finally started. Yesterday I chose my spot. The name is I Have Nothing To Hide. It feels a bit like a horoscope, although there is a lot of truth in it. I need to tell the world more about what I've been through. In songs but also just by using my voice. In binding texts, on blogs, social media, on the street, ... I also grew up in a lie. And that's terrible. Everything must see the light of day. Everything. And so I've been sitting here for a day now. First a sweat lodge, this time back with a temesta. And then up the mountain. My spot is beautiful. The only thing I miss is the sun. It's to the north I think. Had some rain today. I try to keep my things dry. Hopefully a bit dry tomorrow. Tomorrow I will also draw a bit of my spot.

Night 1

Spirit, I'm ashamed. The night was a lie. I was numb. The fear was too much to bear, even if I gave it half a chance. Spirit, give me the strength to truly go into the night tonight. And to stay awake. If necessary until early in the morning. Give me the courage to stay in that fear. Four temestas and one valium which makes me feel completely numb today. It's ugly. Why do I feel like I need to sleep? Can't I just stay awake like I do during the day? What's the difference? My tree is here with me. I can shout if necessary. This evening I am already handing over a large portion to the staffers. Slept well last night. Now I feel a bit numb. An ice bath would help. Shouting will also help. And do a kundalini and breathing exercises. I can't tell much about the night itself. Too bad about those pills. I should have left them out from day one. Drop them off. Stupid and stupid of me. There will certainly be some habituation after six days. But that should be possible on the next three days. And of course there is more than that. The experience itself is also special of course. My stomach doesn't like it but that's actually the least of my worries. Too bad about that medication. Of course it is also Next Level Fear. But still. I'm not giving it the chance it deserves. Tonight. Stay up until 6am if necessary. And then get some sleep.

Day 2

Fasting becomes difficult. You want to sleep but you can't really. I'll be happy when we reach the halfway point tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to the night. It takes too much valium and temesta which I don't like. I have no idea what I did today. It does manage to kill time. Making my prayer stick more beautiful, making something for Laura my buddy, doing breathing exercises, praying to the four winds, trying to sleep every now and then, giving thanks for my relatives. Today I had a visit from an animal. A kind of large squirrel. A marten? Beautiful animal. For the rest very few birds. I almost never see the sun. My spotlight is pointed north. I can't start thinking too much. Tomorrow we'll be half way there. Tomorrow I will try to make a drawing of my spot, although the energy is becoming less and less. Third day will be the hardest I think. Then we are almost there. No rain today. Yesterday, by the way. I think there's a woodpecker here behind me too. For the rest, no glimpse of the invisible energy. Perhaps in their delirium or imagination people see that invisible energy. The sun is almost setting. Time is a strange thing. It may take a long time, but it is not too bad. It's more the night that makes me very tense. That should be the moment when you relax and you know that the hours just pass by. It's hard. It's not torture, but it doesn't help me much either. Don't know what to think about this.

Night 2

Thank you Jook for watching over my spot. Night two was better than night one, but a very difficult one. I first took 2 temestas and then fell asleep. Enjoy the night a little more first. The fact that Jook was there was reassuring. I woke up at night when the temestas had worn off. I then continued to feel it for a few hours. Then finally took half a Valium. Shame. But that's because I had already taken pills the six days before. Maybe it makes the experience a little less pure. Today the weather is beautiful. This morning Dirk came by together with Marian. He thanked me for the letter I had written to them. And he brought some peanuts. They tasted DELICIOUS. Fasting has reached a new level today. I feel really weak and a bit dizzy right now. Also tired because of the bad night. There is sun in front of my spot where I would love to lie down. How I miss the sun and water. My eyes are also tired. I see much less clearly. There is nothing special to report tonight. I tried to stay awake a little longer. Will do that tonight too. My spot slopes a bit. So frustrating to sleep when it's not completely flat. Life. So far I'm not sure what to make of this experience. Not that it is super difficult in terms of time, but due to fatigue and reduced strength, I can no longer do so much. I sleep a little every now and then, try to give thanks, continue working on my prayer staff, make a tape, pray, visualize, ... hoping to see a miracle.

Day 3

This was the hardest day yet. Fasting provides much less energy. Languid. It becomes more difficult to pray, to do something creative, to walk around. I lie down half of the day and try to get some rest. This morning Dirk came by and I got some nuts. With salt. Blessed. I will never look at food the same way I did before. I am now slowly longing for the end. My breathing becomes more difficult. No one is watching this night either. I would like to be able to stay up a little later so I can sleep a little longer. But staying up is difficult and difficult. Sleeping is good. Then time moves forward faster. Four days and four nights is more than enough. I'm too tired to sing. Sleep is such a difficult thing for me. The sun is still quite high. And I don't really know what to do anymore. Pray pray pray. Hold on until Friday morning. No idea if there will be some kind of vision. I think I know how the world works. Or not actually. I know absolutely next to nothing. The fourth day and night seem to be too much. But of course you want to end with the group. I have never had so much stress and tension in those ten days. No, that's not true. In Karus Melle and St-Camillus there was 100 times more stress. I don't really feel fear here. Although. In the evening, yes. After this night, one more day and one night. It's partly a torment, to be honest. I also don't know what Dirk means by 'giving everything'. There isn't much shouting left in me. And tears. To be honest, I'm too tired for shouting and tears.

Night 3

Night four, Jook wasn't there to keep watch. Before the evening I keep thinking 'Oh, that's okay', but then the evening comes and I panic. It happens automatically. It's having to sleep. Instead of seeing it as resting. What a strange ten days. All beautiful people. Long to see them again. The night was ok. Woke up very early but didn't take any more pills. Had already taken half a Valium and three Temestas. Strange the fear here. It's also strange that when I wake up at night I have no fear. This is especially the case in the evening, the first few hours that I have a lot of anxiety. I probably wake up in a different state of my brain than in the evening.

Day 4

The most difficult. Very tired. Difficulty breathing. Lots of lying down. Few can pray. Just had a thunderstorm. Luckily I was able to keep most of my stuff dry. Night four we have to stay awake all the time. I quite dread that. Especially now that everything is wet, you can't even lie down on the floor to take a power nap. No idea how that will go. Just now Deadlodge. Digging a grave. And lie down. Then having people come up, in your mind, and say you only have a few hours left to live. Then say your thing. Then crawl into the other person's skin and let them say their thing. For example with Dany. Pretty intense. Like this. I actually avoid the cold hours and night now, but we are almost there. Hopefully it will be a bit drier.

Lieven

Grateful for Steven, Thomas, Patricia, Joost, Frederik, Diana, Karlijn, Marjan, Kaat, Siberen, Kristien, Raven, Erna, Inge, Laura, Lieven (16), Anja, Mijntje, Mia, Paulus, Ann, Jolijn, Sander, Kevin, Dirk, Mark, Sam, Margot, Sylvie, Kristien and Dominiek.