To sleep

While meditating, I try to discover what the problem with sleeping is. It's about so much more than just sleeping. Something about coming home to this world. And being at home everywhere in this world. Nothing words seem to come close to addressing the real problem with sleeping. Tonight is another Agape weekend. Strangely enough, last year, the very first weekend, I stayed the night. That was in my tent, with a few tranquilizers and half a bottle of wine. That was also with a Pavor Nocturnus in the middle of the night. But it was successful.

It's killing me. Especially the memory of a long time ago when those things weren't a problem. When I went on a bus with all kinds of strangers to teach snowboarding. Was I less aware then? Carefree? No fear of fear. Something like that anyway. Don't worry about the next second. Apparently now. Constantly busy with the next second, even though I tell myself that I live in the NOW.

I no longer feel connected to people. Nothing actually. Really nothing. People generally think they're good, while I think they're terrible. People who think they are good are absolutely not to be trusted in my opinion. Just give me people who realize they have a dark side. Just give me people who are real, dual, good and bad. Maybe that's the problem with Agape for me, always that spiritual and positive and beauty and connection. Always so sweet to each other.

I'll probably drive back home tonight. Maybe I just want to go home, rather than not wanting to stay there. I don't know what I gain from staying there and going through hell. Or maybe that's an excuse. There also doesn't seem to be anything that can really help to sleep there. In my mind I think it would help if, for example, R or O were with us. Or should P come along. Because I trust them. I don't trust other people. No matter how many weekends I've spent with my Kiemkracht family, I still don't trust them. No one dares to show their ugliness either. How am I supposed to trust people when they hide their ugliness from me? How am I supposed to trust them when I see that ugliness but they don't want to show it?

Words just revolve around the problem. Is it a fear or is it rather the lack of something? The lack of safety. I often think it has to do with my 40 days in psychiatry almost four years ago. 40 days of longing to be home. 40 days of longing for your own bed. Want to go home for 40 days. If I have a choice tonight, which I haven't had for 40 days, then that choice is quickly made. What's in it for me to sleep there? With any luck, I might fall asleep around 3am. And then I might be a wreck the next day. So what's in it for me? Where there is fear, there is the most to gain. But is that so? Maybe.

One of the problems is that I won't be moving into my body by tonight. And the only way to get back into it is to go 'in process'. I still don't really understand what that means, going into process. But for me it means feeling. It means daring to cry tonight, daring to shout, daring to tremble. The tiger awakens. Entering into a process means moving something within myself that has been stuck for 25 years. That's scary. When I have to perform I also experience something like that, but when performing, adrenaline is not such a big problem. Be careful, it's also terrible, and I'm not in my body for the first ten minutes of my performance. But after ten minutes it passes and it gets better, because I am busy, because I can sing and play, and get back into my body. When you need to sleep, adrenaline is not a gift. It remains a mystery to me. All these words above don't seem to describe what it is. I would also like to be able to write what it is that I feel, but I just don't feel anything. It is numb and paralyzed. It's fight or flight, but then the third option, namely pretending to be dead. How do I get out of there? By tonight I'll pretend I'm dead and I won't feel anything anymore. And that way I can't sleep there. Niek or Dirk would almost have to plan an evening session with me and the group, until late at night if necessary. Maybe I'm also afraid of all the forces within me that would be released. Being oppressed for so long and then the energy of a few atomic bombs is released. Who or what am I actually oppressed by? By my father, by my stepfather and by my ex. Always having to live in handcuffs. Always the fear of being completely alone. Allowing myself to do this for fear of losing them when I had already lost them. A slave. I feel like a slave. A slave to my past or a slave to narcissists in my life.

Maybe I should try it first tonight with a Xanax and a sip of wine. Maybe I don't have to detonate that atomic bomb in one go. A Xanax, a sip of wine and a few people who have my best interests at heart. Even though there is immediately a voice that questions that 'meaning well for me'. Strange that voice and not so strange. If two fathers and the mother of your children can destroy you, why can't all the other people in this world. So painful actually when I see those words. Having to live on a planet with 8 billion people and not trusting a single one.

Of course there is also my body. Being chronically tired for so long, never being able to rely on your own health and strength, being well one moment and sick the next, ... That cuts deep. Somehow I have the idea that if I get up here at home on Friday morning, I can be away from home for a day. I can handle that. Even if I get sick during the day, I know I can go home at night and relax. Having to stay somewhere for three nights is too long. Then I think how am I going to reach the finish line without getting sick. Getting sick would be the best thing that could happen to me. Getting sick would cause my body to let go. I hold on to things in a way that has become unbearable. Nothing flows into my body anymore. So much anger and sadness, all packed tightly together in one small incredibly intense ball of sickening energy.

I've died before, so what am I afraid of? Maybe I just don't want to suffer anymore and I want some rest.

I also wish I was dead tired in the evening. But that is never the case. Last night it was 1am again before I fell asleep. I'm tired in the morning, that's no problem. Sleeping an hour longer in the morning, no problem. Sleeping at night... argghhhhhhh... And then tonight with fear and adrenaline added, yes, no can do. “I have to go home, I have to go home, I have to go home…” The option is also a problem. It takes a lot of courage to choose hell if you can also go to heaven.

It will have to be done in a different way than just forcing me. Just do it. Just sleep there. Don't whine. Stop whining. Just sleep there. Don't drive away. Stay there. And if necessary, don't sleep but rest. Rest all night. Lie in bed and then get up at 2am and go for a walk in the night. Lie back in bed. Went for a walk again at 4am. Yes. Why exactly? Haven't I messed myself up enough in my life? Jesus Fucking Christ what a mess. I am entwined in layers and layers of patterns.

Just never relax. I would like deep relaxation. Very deep. Just being able to let go of everything. In every cell of my body.