Puimichel

I'd better end this here. Without arguing or words or anger. It's beautiful here, the nature, the view, the sun, but I'm always here for the wrong reasons. I feel alone here. He's never going to change and I'm never going to get any recognition from him for all the pain. Recognition, perhaps that is something you should give yourself, not something you should expect from someone else.

I miss my family. And even though I know the sun will rise again, it still seems like losing everything three times is too much. Waking up every morning with that pain. I am desperately looking for a family to belong to. A blanket from which you can wake up.

All that sadness makes me want to burst. I'm getting heavier and heavier, literally and figuratively, darker and darker. And I try with all my might to stay positive and start a new day, but it's as if I want to move forward with an elastic band around me. All that past is like a rubber band that catapults me backwards. Maybe that sadness needs to come out somehow. But how...

Without power. That's what it feels like. Stolen of all power. In any case, I really shouldn't come back here anymore. I'm afraid it wouldn't do anyone any good. Here. I long to be able to go back to work, I long to be able to go to the gym in the afternoon, I long to go to Jef's lake with R and O, I long to go cycling with P, I long for a BBQ with nice people, I long to go to a café with R, ...

Not being allowed in the store anymore does something terrible to me. That was also my home there and when you exclude someone in such a way, it feels very painful. Then you would rather live 100 km further and not just nearby. Friends of mine are allowed into the store, family of mine are allowed into the store, colleagues of mine are allowed into the store, but I am not. When I pass the shop with R and O, I have to let them go in to say hello, then they fly into Maud's arms, and in the meantime I have to stand outside like a leprosy sufferer. People are terrible. Romée and Odile learn things like tolerance, peace, family, helping, saving animals, etc. and then at the same time pretend that their daddy doesn't exist.

I hope these dark clouds will disappear one day. I'm afraid I'll have to go back to Lieve. I'm afraid I'll never really feel happy. So many times I have simply lost everything that had value to me. Dany, Pierre, my family... feeling the ground shift under your feet three times. Three times. Once was more than enough, let alone three times. I didn't die in that attic three years ago, I died when I finally felt fantastically good and yet again I wasn't good enough. If it happens three times, why not four or five times... Why then hope that it will be different. Maybe I'm just cursed, as if it's been that way for generations and generations.

Going home soon. It's not a good feeling. Where or what do I return to? I know who I am returning to, and I am happy that there are people to whom I can return. Yet it seems as if I am also returning to a very large void.

How do I feel? There's a lump in my throat. I could cry for days on end but I can't get it out. I have to be strong otherwise I will end up in psychiatry or an attic again. I'm incredibly angry. I can beat that family up. I wish they would disappear from the face of the earth. I wish that store would disappear from the face of the earth. I wished that one day they would feel the pain I feel every day. Sadness and anger. I feel afraid that things will never be okay again. I feel that Achilles tendon that just won't heal. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I want to sleep but there is no one to whisper in my ear that everything is okay, everything will be fine. It feels like it's every man for himself. Nothing is worth anything anymore in our society. Everyone divorces, so if everyone does it, then it must be normal. I'm stuck. I want to feel light again, literally and figuratively. Everything I've held down for so long makes me want to throw up. It is morning, the sun is shining outside, I hear birds chirping, it is beautiful nature here, mountains in the background, and yet, I still want to sleep and cry and die and be born again in something or someone else. Maybe I shouldn't come back here at all. In retrospect, I would have preferred to spend a week somewhere completely alone. Here I have the feeling that I am back for Dany, the roles are reversed. The tables have been turned all my life. Maybe it's simply something chemical. Or something with my brain. That makes it extra painful that I am no longer allowed to enter the store, for example. People keep pretending I'm normal. If you have a physical disability, at least we people see that. If you suffer mentally, no one will see that. And then it's your own fault.

I notice it's really getting too dark. Way too dark.