Hikuri
I'm not sure where to start. How do you write about an experience for which there seems to be no language? On Friday night, I performed in a beautiful living room in Roeselare. The next day, I was supposed to attend a Peyote ceremony. I didn't have much confidence that I would actually make it there. Usually, I tend to sabotage myself in a thousand and one ways. However, this time, apparently, all the planets aligned that afternoon. It's as if there's something higher that sets me in motion and just goes. And so, suddenly, I found myself in my car on the way to the ceremony.
When I arrived, I took a little time to explore. There was a beautiful Maloka, a yurt, and a sweat lodge. The roof of the Maloka was open in the middle so that we might see the stars at night. However, for weeks, it had been typical Belgian weather - rain, rain, and more rain. Consequently, there was a lot of mud. What a mess, hahahaha. Mud everywhere. Wading through it. I found myself a spot in the Maloka and settled in. Luckily, I had brought enough tarps and blankets to stay dry and warm at night. I also brought my guitar, didgeridoo, and a harmonica. It must have been around 6 p.m. The ceremony wasn't scheduled to start until around 9:30 p.m.
After wandering around a bit more and of course, searching for toilets ;-), we gathered in the Yurt around 7:30 p.m. First, we had some soup and got to know each other. Then, we formed a circle and there was time for questions and explanations. Oddly enough, I let much of the explanation pass by me. I find more enjoyment in the energy of the group, the impressions, the faces, the sounds... I had decided not to take too much Peyote in the beginning to see how I would react. By 9 p.m., all questions had been asked, and by 9:30 p.m., we were about to begin
And then it began. Your sense of time is completely messed up, hahahaha. What do I even begin to recount about the next 12 hours? I believe it was around 9:30 a.m. the next day when we entered the sweat lodge. It was an unbelievable experience, fluctuating, up and down, from playfulness to anger, shouting, laughing, singing, playing music. There were four musicians with us who played music all night long. Sometimes traditional songs with drums, other times songs accompanied by a ukulele, and beautiful guitar melodies. It was so magnificent to hear that music throughout the entire night. I also contributed with my Spanish classical guitar. Sometimes we danced, sometimes people had to purge, sometimes there was solace, sometimes there was anger. At times it rained, and then suddenly it was dry again. And all the while, there was the fire in the middle to return to.
It's a strange thing, such experiences. The world comes to a standstill. In a strange way, my fear of staying there overnight had largely disappeared. But not entirely. The day before, I had taken half a Valium for my performance. At the ceremony, I hadn't taken anything yet, but around 9:15 pm, apparently, it became too overwhelming for me. That's when I took the other half of the Valium. Eventually, I'll have to stop that. I'm gentle with myself. It was also truly the first time in almost 20 years that I did something like that. By 'something like that,' I mean staying overnight somewhere with the vast majority of people being strangers to me. At Agape, I manage that by now, but there I know it and I know my Baskuul family, so it's a lot safer. Yet, even there, I still can't get through the weekend without a Valium. Somewhere during the night, I also took a Temesta. Every time I feel anxiety rising, I apparently resort to these. I should have the courage to wait until it might become unbearable. Right now, it's largely preventive, and that's something I should eliminate.
The night. No sense of time. I remember the following things: playing guitar together with the musician who mainly played songs by artists like Xavier Rudd, dancing around the fire, singing a song accompanied by my guitar, relieving myself in nature, drinking apple juice ;-), shouting, doing the exercise of giving 7 things to the fire that you no longer want in your life and 7 things you want more of in your life... The anger... Suddenly, that anger was back in me. Then I crawled on my knees closer to the fire. I saw how other men were struggling to express their anger, and that affected me. The day before, I had a very strange conversation with my mother. I'm not welcome on Christmas Eve. And all that anger resurfaced. In any case, shouting was incredibly relieving. The Shaman told me to call out the names of my family members. That was harder, I noticed. Strange, right? Calling out those names was much harder. I managed it quietly and then gradually a bit louder. But truly calling them out didn't happen. There was a sense of shame. And maybe I'm not entirely ready to let all of that go?
And suddenly it was 5 in the morning, and the ceremony was over. Strangely, the Peyote was now working more intensely than the entire previous night. Not normal. The last dose I had requested was also quite large. Time began to behave very strangely. It's as if the shutter speed suddenly became very slow. Like at the beginning of my music video 'Lat Min Gerust.' Everything became so elongated. Everything flowed into each other. It's hard to describe. When I walked outside, I had a very strange experience. First of all, I saw stars everywhere, and I'm not even sure if there were stars in the sky. There might have been stars, probably were, but what I saw were millions of stars, in various colors, more like a light spectacle versus fireworks. And the trees also completely melded into each other. Time was slowed down or cut into pieces. Slices. Like it was being shown in slow motion. Can't explain it. When I looked behind me, I saw a figure dancing. It could have been one of the participants, but she moved in a way that was almost unrealistic. And her arms were long strands. Wow. The Shaman had advised not to stray too far and to return. That was good advice. I returned and lay down. And so time continued on and on and on.
Now there was suddenly anxiety. I thought I needed to pee, but I couldn't. Looking back, I probably didn't actually need to pee. But that compulsion was there again. The fear of not being able to pee, so trying when you don't really need to. I also went to the communal toilet inside, but it didn't work there either. One thing I've noticed with these psychedelics, sometimes you just want it to stop. And it doesn't. After wandering around for about half an hour trying to pee, I took another Valium. I really shouldn't have done that because then I drank a liter of sparkling water, and of course, an hour later, I could pee. That might be the least enjoyable part of that ceremony experience, being back in that anxiety.
Meanwhile, the sweat lodge was being prepared. It's amazing to see how those stones are heated. There was also some coffee, nuts, and grapes... Delicious. It took a long time, hahahaha. And meanwhile, the peyote kept on working. Such a crazy, crazy, crazy experience. I think we entered the sweat lodge around 9:30, give or take. There wasn't much anxiety in me. The Valium was, of course, working. Perhaps the sweat lodge was even more beautiful. So connecting. Everyone almost naked in the mud. Nature. Primordial strength. Earth. And then those stones coming in and how hot it became. And then water on the stones, like the sessions in the sauna at Castle Boetfort. Blissful. There were three rounds. Beautiful to hear people share. How healing it all can be, that still amazes me. Once outside the sweat lodge, an ice-cold shower. Washing off all the mud. Reborn.
And so everything came to an end. Around 2 PM, we gathered back in the Yurt to share. Many had already left for home. I was exhausted and could barely keep my eyes open. Grateful for the experience, thankful to have met so many beautiful people, thankful for the Shaman, thankful for the Peyote, grateful that I endured the night without too much fear, and grateful that I didn't need a truckload of Valium. Actually, driving home wasn't okay. I was way too tired. I managed to order something to eat, but by 7:30 PM, I was in bed, and in less than 7 seconds, I was out. Goodness. What an adventure. Did it make me stronger? What did it bring me? Well, I practiced letting go of those fears of staying somewhere overnight. And I'll keep practicing. Without medication, it would probably be easier. Medicine can also be quite confronting.
Aho
https://youtu.be/DSHKxQE2YmA?si=YjWQb8Hbo5RXBPEv