Meaning

This post is for a friend who will know it is special for her. "La vie est une grande merde". I've barely picked up my guitar in months. The last time was for a performance in Ruislede, where I had a great time. I don't care anymore. Nothing interests me anymore. We have given meaning to all the meaning we have given things in the course of our lives. Everything can be explained away to nothing, until a large depressive, lazy void remains. Nothing has meaning. I have a wish, which is to have a faith, or a story, something that would drive me, but there is just nothing left. When I get up I think, go to work, why, what's the use, I'm not going to make a difference, it's not my passion, it's not like "owwwwwww yessssss, another dayyyyy, it's fantastic here on this globe, seize the day, let's have fun, ambitiously improve the world". Fuck this shitty world and this shitty life. No explanation for 39 years. I get up and just carry on, without a goal, without friends, without plans, without nothing. After much thought, I understand why you are not given a folder with some documentation and explanations about life at birth. You can't read yet. OK. I still understand that. But why not receive a folder around the age of twenty, a roadmap, especially for you, with an explanation about life, the universe, infinity, mortality, all the cancers in the world, diseases, happiness, feeling good. None of that. Where is God, Allah, the Creator, the Primal Power, ... I demand a meeting. There used to be darkness, and in that darkness there was room for spirits, for magic, for reincarnation, for candles, for incense, for believing that one day I would be able to fly, for dreams, dreams, dreams. Now they've turned on 40 of those stadium lights in that darkness and there appears to be nothing. Nothing at all. Oh yes, you can have a belief, a story, but you foolin' yourself. What's left when you strip everything? What remains when you have completely overanalyzed yourself and the world? What is left when you put aside your faith, when you put aside your story, what is left, tell me, what is left? What if the shadows turn out not to be real... There is still time to do what you like to do, but for me that is nada at the moment. I find life dead boring as long as I don't have an answer to the question what the hell am I doing here? Irrelevant question? I didn't think so. What am I doing here? Simple question. Dozens of therapists, psychiatrists, doctors, mediums, books, drugs, booze... have all failed to provide anything of an answer. I haven't become an inch wiser. Being an adult, what a misery, what an incredible amount of misery. How the heck do people do it? I am unable to convince myself of anything anymore. I only want the truth, the naked truth, in the light of death, eternal, the infinite universe, quantum mechanics, relativity. Give them to me. It's now 7:23 PM, and I'm wondering what I should do all evening? Music? I'm not interested anymore. Watching TV? Boooorrrrinnggggg. To paint? Seriously? To draw? I want to stand somewhere on the edge of the mountains, full of deep snow, with my snowboard under my feet, ready to look death in the face and fly down at a hundred kilometers per hour. Growing old, what a misery. When I was 20 I thought, let's be 30 soon, then everything will be easier. Work, children, stability, structure, feeling good, being happy. None of that. It has been a battle with life in recent months. And yet I have everything, absolutely everything, to be happy. Midlife crisis my ass. I've had a midlife crisis all my life. Fuck that. All the pills in the world don't help. Antidepressants, tried dozens, no can do. Probiotics would help, no can do. DHEA would help, no can do. Fish oil would help, no can do. Talking would help, no can do. Acupuncture would help, no can do. I want my money back. For me, only walking on paths with a heart, with passion, counts. Only those paths are worth living. The entire length of those paths, looking, looking, looking. I want to see the sunrise every morning, I want to wake up to the sound of waves, on an ocean, then I want to play all day, eat good food, hike in the mountains, wave surf, snowboard, have fun, see the sunset in the evening, make music, around a campfire, see the milky way, see tens of thousands of stars, feel good, drown in magic, bliss and paradise. Kiss my nuts anyone who thinks that's too much to ask. I didn't ask to be born either. Where has the magic gone?

Para mí solo recorrer los caminos que tenen corazón, cualquier camino que tenga corazón. If you are happy with it, you are ready to go. Y por ahí yo recorro mirando, mirando, sin aliento. "Carlos Castaneda - A Yaqui Way of Life"

For me there is only traveling on paths that have heart, on any path that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length.And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly.