Shy bladder

Write, says Wordpress, and so we write. Paruresis, fear of urinating. It's been a while that I've wanted to write about this taboo. I have been dealing with my fear of urination for 30 years, and it has frustrated me enormously on several occasions. At many times such a phobia controls your life, your choices and that makes you angry (as my cousin puts it so nicely). We were on a ski trip this week, which is a luxury in itself, but for Cardoen it is often a matter of panic. I haven't been able to pee in urinals since I was 16. However, it was never a problem on a regular toilet until a trauma turned my life upside down when I was 26. Since that trauma, I couldn't urinate anywhere, outside of my own house (in the toilet, of course). As long as there are no people around it is not a problem, but the fewer toilets and the more people, the more I have the feeling that there are people waiting for me. Waiting outside the toilet, or friends at a café, restaurant or on the ski slope.  It's like sticking my goddamn middle finger up to God. You may now think, there are much worse things, you can have cancer, a woman cannot even just pee against a tree (neither can I by the way), you can die of famine, ... but think about not being able to pee, what a tragedy that that is not. I don't dare go on a bus because there is only one toilet there and I can't pee, when I change jobs I already think whether I will be able to pee there, when I have a team building day with my work... all the same thing. Go to a café... or go out... then I always go outside and find a dark place somewhere where I can manage. To then be able to go back to dancing or talking in a café, completely relieved. Put me on the stage at Werchter and I'll put Mandela on the train with 40,000 people in front of me. But peeing, ah no, that's not possible, and why the fuck... It's the tip of a big iceberg, but one that I would like to melt off. When I was in my early twenties I once went to the Decandance in Ghent and decided to drink myself to death until I could pee in a urinal. Shit, really shit, I finally did it. Afterwards I was waving my fists in the air. What a victory. Although, you can't call it a victory, a person can't drink himself into a coma every time he has to go to the toilet. This is not practical at work, for example. And the more you drink, the more you have to go to the toilet, and of course the more often you have the problem. Man, I can't write about this with much humor, it sucks and it just had to get out. Tomorrow we go home and there will be a lot of people on the road. The fear of fear is of course the worst. It's in your head, it's not a physical problem. You're already thinking, shit, maybe things will go well, but maybe, with tons of people passing by gas stations, it just won't work out. And a full bladder, folks, is no fun. Once I was traveling in Corfu with my sweetheart. We rented a Vespa and left to tour the island. It was a fantastic day, I was incredibly happy, and suddenly I had to pee. And the thought that it wouldn't work just hadn't occurred to me. And so it was no problem to wring out my 'chicong' along the road. Being happy makes many things easy. Lots of things. So, maybe I'll write about it again in a better way. It's not a great blog post, but an estimated 7% of the population has that problem and I never hear about it. Every now and then I come across someone who has the same problem. Urinary anxiety. To make you pissed off. Maybe it has to do with anger/envy. http://mens-en-gezondheid.infonu.nl/voorwaarden/144091-angst-om-te-plassen-tips-tegen-plasangst-of-verlegen-bla.html