Synchronicity

Do you know that feeling when everything suddenly seems to come together, all the misery, all the experiences, your past and future, in one moment, and everything suddenly makes sense? Not me. For me, everything seems to have flown apart, for a lifetime, fragmented, distributed throughout the universe, always expanding. Nothing comes together anywhere at any given time. My therapist told me last week that as humans we all really only have one responsibility, and that is to be happy. On my way there mister. But he is right. Fighting monsters only made the monsters bigger. I'm trying, trying, I say, to stop fighting those monsters. I let them pass by me now, and then I look behind me, and then I laugh, because it all seems to be air. Now I look for things I like to do. "Carlos, you can't only do things in life that are fun, can you?" And why not? I'm going for it. I am a seeker. That may make me unhappy at times, but it has also made my life deeper than most dozen people put together. "Carlos, sometimes life is just a drag." Well fuck that, you should focus for fifteen minutes on the fact that this life is one-time, that when you die one day this life is over. Focus on that long enough and why wouldn't I just do what I want? I don't know what I want. Problem. The division between all my personalities is far too great. It's a bit like choosing wallpaper with my love. ;-) Fears. Maybe nothing happens, my cousin said, and most of the time nothing happens. Oh yes, sometimes things happen, but usually I am now prepared for such moments. Then a benzo will help. Often I don't need it anymore, especially when I think something is going to happen. Yesterday I watched the latest film of Travis Rice, one of the best snowboarders in the world. I'm jealous. Very jealous. I long for a passion, something I can't let go of, something that makes me happy, something I want to go for. It's not that I don't like my job, for example, but I often think, what the fuck am I actually doing here? The world needs me. We help the climate, we help people, we help children, when it comes to meat we are a gang of Nazis, soon the Americans will elect Donald Fucking Trump. I have talents, the world needs me, or it doesn't. Romée, my daughter recently said, and I quote:

I like to share my talent.

God damn it, she's right, 7 years old, I would say, just do as much as possible with your talents, child, all your life, don't listen to adults, don't do it. I've been watching too many documentaries lately... Earthlings blew me away, Before the flood blew me away, Forks over Knives blew me away over... And then there is The Fourth Phase and Streif, where I think, I want that too, to go for something, 300%, without thinking (I think). So, I don't really have much inspiration today. Let me end with something Romée said, on a cheerful note.

The light festival in Ghent, which takes place in winter. In the winter because Jesus was born in the winter. And Jesus, well, Jesus is the light in our hearts. And that is why the festival of lights is in winter, because Jesus is the light in our hearts.

Peace out peoples, peoples.