Summer of 2022

It's been a while. A whole summer has passed. Two years of Agape have cleaned things up from this life. Fear remains. A hard stone. A layer I can't break through. Or seems able to break through. I'm floating around in some kind of no man's land. That fear must die. That fear has to go. Absolutely. Until the last drop. The most difficult thing is that in addition to all that quest, I also have to pretend that I function in this society. Working is the strangest activity of my life. It really doesn't make any sense. Who ever decided to make a week 7 days? To work 5 of them. To work 8 hours a day. People stick to what they know, to what they receive and hardly seem to think about it. Or am I just talking about myself? Can I break free from this prison? Please. Maybe I'm putting too much energy into it. Maybe I put too much energy into fighting things as they are. That just makes them bigger. It is better to put energy into the time that I can free up in addition to things such as work and daughters and structure. There are only a few things that can free a person from this prison. Play, creativity and nature.

My story today begins at the Healing Lodge at the end of March this year. We had been instructed to find our family tree going back seven generations. That didn't do me any good. All those people who died. It's unreal. And all that suffering. The theme that stood out for me was flight. That may be correct. My great-grandfather had to flee to France during the First World War. My grandfather ran away from home. My father fled to the south of France. And my flight may be a flight into death. Don't want to be here. At night we had to keep vigil at the various altars. From 1 to 3 o'clock it was my turn together with Liesbeth. It was the first time in two years that I was able to stay overnight in Agape. Well, that's not quite right, I managed to do that the very first weekend. Strange how big my fears are. Waking was blissful. With a few shots of gin é Liesbeth ;-). As if we were two little children doing something that was absolutely not allowed. Alcohol on Agape, during wakes, during a ceremony. Aho! Traditions are meant to be broken. The second night was the Healing Lodge itself. Hey special. I cannot put such experiences into words. The only thing I can say about it is that our society has become something unnatural and that such ceremonies are something natural. The more I do, the more I seem to distance myself from this Western society with all its bullshit jobs and thinking.

Then there was the Bonding and Relationships weekend with Ramon from Argentina. What was that like? It started with a warm-up where we mainly danced but actually had to copy Ramon. I've forgotten the name of that type of warming right now. We stand in a circle and imitate Ramon. And he is not about dancing, but about imitating his movements. Also his facial expressions. Angry, sad, indignant, macho Italian, ... It was also wonderful for me to be able to spend the night in Agape. I found a place for myself in the Hogan. It is not yet the same as sleeping with everyone, but it is a big step forward. It's also fun because I can stay in the energy of the weekend. If I want to participate in the meditation, I don't have to get up at 6 am in Ghent. Bonding was the first weekend where I thought "I want to do this". What's frustrating is that I don't know how to get there or whether I really want to do it. Since my LSD night on Christmas Day last year, I may have seen what I really want. And that was not wanting anything anymore. Maybe then the fear will also go away if I no longer want or expect anything. Not wanting anything anymore is something incredibly difficult. You can't want nothing more at some point in the future. If you think "just that" and then I don't want anything anymore. That's not possible. You can only want nothing NOW. In the NOW, make more and more room for not wanting anything. Hard to put it into words that night on LSD. Perhaps that will come in the coming years. Ramon Vega had an incredible weekend and I'm looking forward to this year's weekend with him. The last weekend, not including the final ceremony, was embodied dreamwork. I remember arriving in Agape on Thursday evening. I parked my car at the back, got out and went to put a mattress in the hogan. But then Lut and Sofie told me that they had received instructions from Niek and that the mattress was not needed yet. It's unbelievable how everything immediately turns into complete panic within me. I immediately started looking to move my car so others wouldn't park in front of me. Because at the back there in Agape it may sometimes be that your car cannot leave for a weekend. Immediately I was trying to escape. When we were sitting in the room and Niek told us that we were all going to sleep together, the lights almost went out completely. At such a moment I am no longer able to think. It's just complete fear at a moment like that. And in the end everything turned out fine and I just went back to sleep in the hogan. But it is confronting how great that fear suddenly becomes. As ashamed as I am about it. How suddenly I'm part of the way away.

Of course there was also that weekend with P in Cap Blanc Nez. A magical weekend that there are not many words to write about. A weekend with a few drops too many. Dosage is everything. Good food, sauna, a swimming pool, beautiful walks, swimming in the sea, beautiful Wissant, slept very well and what a beautiful region. A few photos that say more than words. P doesn't like to be on the world wide web with photos so I only selected two... sorry patééé. There isn't a cat in the world who reads my blog.

So that was Cap Blanc Nez, without a doubt one of the best weekends of my life.

The Moosjer Project. Performed a few times. A fantastic evening in Flobecq at Sara's co-housing. Three living room concerts in one evening. That was a really fun experience because I felt like I could screw it up the first time and then have two more chances. That allowed me to perform very relaxed. It was wonderful. Thanks Sarah! It was really the first time that I really enjoyed performing myself. And so people enjoyed it even more. It was an incredibly good feeling to be able to connect people with each other and with my music.

And so the beautiful summer began. To camping Kiwi with Romée, Odile and my mother. Wonderful two weeks where I especially enjoyed seeing Romée and Odile enjoying themselves so much. I also get along very well with my mother. There is some tension every now and then, but it actually gets better and better every year. Enjoying the water, the excursions, the warmth, the 17 km walk with Odile... Enjoyed my Medicine Walk in the Ardèche from 5 am to 10 pm. Somewhere close to 30 km. On my return I took off my clothes to walk through a nudist campsite. Straps made. BBQ. Played guitar. Performed in the campsite bar which was a wonderful evening. Blessed. Back home, he performed three times at the Ghent festivals. Monday at the Listening Square. Wonderful experience with professional support and, above all, very professional sound. Very enriching experience! The next day, at 40 degrees, we performed at the Ghent Crochet at the Trefpunt. Maybe my West Flemish songs were a less good choice that day. But I did perform at the Trefpunt once. And then I was able to give a wonderful performance on Saturday in Café De Loge. Thanks Mieke and Jos! Really enjoyed it that week. Performances are a strange thing. They last 40 minutes to an hour and they feel like 5 minutes. Staying present at a performance is not that easy.

My first sold performance through Moosjer was at Amalia's house in August. Wonderful evening where I was confronted again with my incredibly tense body. When I arrived I could still go to the toilet. But as the performance got closer I became more and more tense. And then I get the idea in my head that I really need to be able to go to the toilet again. Usually that is more of a feeling than actually having to go to the toilet. Then I went outside for a walk, together with Romée and Odile. Only after about 20 minutes of jogging around was I finally able to go to the toilet somewhere away from everyone. I really need to be able to become invisible to go to the toilet. That is something I would like some help with. Very annoying and I'm also afraid of the other performances I want to do in the future. How do I best solve this? The performance itself was enjoyable. The kupe is baked outside at Amalia in the Westhoek. Thank you Amalia!

And then that Vision Quest came closer. I haven't drank alcohol since the beginning of June, with a few exceptions. Oh yes, I had forgotten that Wednesday evening at the Ghent parties, with 2 or 3 microdoses... wonderful night together with P and the L.O. with which she studied. What a special strange night. In that little cafe there, so cozy and wonderful music, on the bumper cars, bratwurst and then ending at the old animal market. That last café on the old beast market, movint, so wonderful. So little space inside, very hot, lots of people and fucking good music. And just dance with P. Not long, an hour, but ooohhhhh so wonderful.

So Vision Quest. I can't say much about that. It was magical. It was indescribable. Alien. Not normal a lot of fears and tension. Together with 30 people I didn't know before, apart from Thomas and Dominique, in a place I didn't know before. That was about 20 years ago since I had done that. After 1 night of sleep I already wanted to go home. I was so tense that I had to go to the toilet every half hour. Fortunately, I am already strong and assertive enough to just do that. But it is very confronting how much tension there is. In fact, it's almost impossible to contain all that tension anymore. Dirk is so serious about everything that he can't even dance to release some of the tension. Fortunately, Lieve was also there next to Dirk. Thank you Lieve for listening to my tears. The four days and four nights were a bit like a performance. Looking back it seemed like 5 minutes. Maybe I'll write something about it later. In any case, it's something you have to do to know what it is. After two years and a half of experimenting, there are two things that really remind me. Kambo and Vision Quest. And also a night ceremony with Carla and Wim in The Key Of Life.

Like this. I've been finding it more and more difficult lately that I can no longer go to the toilet everywhere. That controls and determines my life and choices in a way that sometimes makes me want to become destructive again. In the meantime, I will continue to make the good things in my life bigger. But still that fear must die. Fuck that really needs to go. I want to be free. So more challenges like Vision Quest will have to come my way. Just do it. Go straight into that fear. That Vision Quest briefly opened a gate to that great fear. After a week at home it was closed again. But it was the first time in 20 years that I was able to open something there. Here at home I also had a Pavor for the first time, which was actually beautiful. It was still terrifying but different. There was a Native American singing in my room. It really was there.

Peace out.

https://youtu.be/y8SwQiiZ0NY