Structure

Lucy in the sky with diamonds.

Everything we see, feel, smell, think and hear first passes through some kind of human framework. Millions of years of evolution have structured us in such a way that it is impossible to speak of freedom. Religion is just a tiny tiny shell around millions of years of survival. We as humans can only grasp an incredibly small part of the incredible amount of data. It becomes harder and harder to keep moving in this fixed structure that my ancestors and I have been trapped in for so long. What if I can see all the threads of the game? How should I continue to function... During this Corona crisis it becomes clear how few people are willing to think about this structure. Maybe it's because my belief system has been shattered time and time again. Maybe I actually want to unknow. Waking up unaware tomorrow is my absolute dream. Because what does it matter? Even if I knew everything, I still wouldn't have an answer. I want to know the truth about questions that people probably shouldn't ask themselves. I don't question because they aren't questions. Are they experiences that make me grow? It's thinking that makes me grow. My consciousness seems to have always been the same. There were things in the way, or rather, there were other things in the space, but consciousness itself has always been the same. There is something very strange about time. Time only exists in our thinking. Our human experience is one that is always in the NOW. I don't think we realize this well enough. Guilt has to do with the past, fear with the future, but both can only exist in our minds. All of our human lives are constantly happening in some kind of experience where time does not exist. This consciousness now is no different than normal, it just filters out the unimportant things. I'm going to have to choose whether I still want to do something in this world because at the moment I don't know if it matters what I do. Why are so few people concerned with the really important questions in life? Maybe it's because there are no answers anyway. Maybe it's better to just enjoy this life here and now. They are ideas in our minds that make us happy and unhappy. But it is human contact that makes this reality real. Only human contact keeps me grounded. Only human contact keeps me alive. But is keeping alive enough? Isn't it time to say goodbye? Maybe I'm already a long way from doing that. But I'm not there yet. I haven't crossed everything in my life yet as Tom Q. once said. I hope at a time when the crack in the darkness becomes so wide that eternal light begins to flow through me. I feel in my entire being that something is not right with life. But it's like you can only find it by not looking. It's as if the truth of this life can only be found by stopping the search. Stop searching. Stop trying to get somewhere. Hope is the same as fear. Both do not want to accept what is now. Just accept it and die if necessary. I now realize that this Lieven has always been there. Yet in this life. But lately I've started to realize that consciousness is not of this world. Consciousness has no time or space. Consciousness comes from somewhere else. This knowing has always been there, since the day I was born. What is it that I still don't see or understand? What's behind that frosted glass? That shadow. The more I focus the blurrier it becomes. Wanting to understand stands in the way of understanding. Words. Words are so strange. Here I am trying my best to describe what it is that I am experiencing but I find that words are completely inadequate. It's like trying to explain making love to someone. What does it feel like to make love to someone you really love? That cannot be explained in words. The human experience is best experienced simply. Enjoy the ride. It cannot be stopped. You can't choose where you go. No free will. Everything is fixed. And that is more than normal because time and space are relative. Everything has already happened and everything that has happened has yet to happen. Every atom in this universe is connected to every other atom. Every particle is connected to each other. Time and space are relative. Which means you can merge time and space until you have one point left. Life is just for fun. Ideas are just for fun. Lazy Void. I am the universe. Maybe that's why I live in the city. In nature it is easy to feel connected. But you can also feel connected in a city. What I am saying is that meditation is easy in a tranquil environment with rippling water and peace all around. Meditating becomes a lot more difficult if you want to do it in the middle of a war. That's where meditation becomes a challenge. And similarly, feeling connected in nature is easier than in a city. But it doesn't have to be an excuse. Bricks are made of the same atoms as trees and mountains. I'm trying to make new connections in my brain.

1. Kambo. Letting go without trying. Carrots. Earth and sky. Mitakuye oyasin. Wakan tanka. Enlightenment is everywhere.

Lately I often feel like I'm looking out of a box. I can only absorb so much from my surroundings. Our left hemisphere has become far too dominant. He wants to split everything into slices. In bits and bytes. Serial. Control and understand. It convinces us that one day we will understand it all. Our left hemisphere is good at maintaining structure so that our right hemisphere can intervene in that structure. To see the whole.

I may have lived constantly in the now, all my life, but my body has gotten older. Foreign. Consciousness is not subject to time and space, but apparently my body is. I also notice that my body holds a lot of things. Time to let go of all those things without committing suicide. Kambo will have to help with that. Puke it all out. It is mainly anger in me that holds everything. I have to break free from the chains that have held me for millions of years. Millions of years. That's why I'm often so anxious. I have felt trapped in a wheel of time and space for millions of years. How many times do you have to die before you can be reborn? How many times. We have to turn it inside out. The world is projected outward from our consciousness. What do I want to project. Maybe I can experiment with that. What do I want to project. What do I want? What kind of life and world do I want. Is it I who brought Corona into the world? There might be a completely different world beyond the street corner. What does the world actually look like? Our image of the world is made up of very small pieces of data.

Shit. Before my brain gives up. Unbelievable. I already realized that with those mushrooms. Not easy to paralyze my thinking. Strange that with Kambo I only need one point to go completely crazy. So I never fully came into this world. I didn't want to. Even as a child there was a phrase that always crossed my mind "I DON'T WANT". I don't want to. I don't want to. I've been wondering for a lifetime what exactly it is that I don't want or don't want. And that came to fruition with that Kambo last week. I don't want to live. I just don't want to be here. I think I thought that before I was born or something. I don't want to. Or maybe it's that I don't want to live anymore. As in not again. After millions of lives, I'm tired of it. I want out. I don't want to be born again. I want it to stop in this life. And what a strange time I live in. With the internet, with data, with countless inputs, with such an incredible number of different possibilities.

Anyway.

We'll call it a day. It doesn't matter whether I live or die because I am the universe. Don't you see, Lieven, it doesn't matter, nothing matters, because you are the universe. Fear does not stop time, on the contrary. Bringing the world to a standstill. Been trying to bring the world to a standstill for a lifetime. Isn't this life of mine one of the strangest things there is? That knife simply could never have gone into my heart because you cannot destroy yourself. Maybe that was the lesson. You cannot destroy yourself. You cannot destroy your own consciousness.

Imagine that you are enlightened. Shit. That people want to sleep like that and want it to be dark and you sit there all lit up and ruin things for everyone. "CARDOEN, TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS." Yes. Once enlightened always enlightened I'm afraid.

But I'm not there yet. It seems to be an asymptote. Enlightenment seems to be somewhat asymptotic. You always get closer and closer but never quite. Mega frustrating. It will be Kambo after all. Asymptotically illuminated into the infinity of time.

You all suffer because you cling to the world.

You must survive, you must survive, you must survive.

Tomorrow I will take with me everything I have learned in the last few hours.

https://youtu.be/wIgOL21S98o