Mental suffering

On Wednesday I suddenly and coincidentally found myself in the assize room in Ghent where the euthanasia process was in progress. I wondered, what exactly is that, psychological suffering? Do other people suffer as much as I do, but are they just stronger? Or better armed? Or am I just weak, do I somehow have a much lower tolerance for suffering? How do you explain to someone that you have enough to eat, that you have shelter, that you have a good job, that you have two darling daughters, that you sometimes snowboard in mountains, that you have luxury but still want to die because you can no longer handle the pain. What pain? Where does it hurt? There are people who have cancer, you know, and you're whining about psychological suffering? I see the people around me, at work, in hobbies, and I constantly wonder, who else looks as bad as me? I wonder what I'm doing wrong. I wonder what I did to deserve this. I can handle some suffering, I can handle some adversity, but what is it that makes it all unbearable... Stress and anxiety. That makes it all unbearable. Because stress and anxiety ensure that I am never relaxed. Never really. I can't remember the last time I was truly relaxed. A year ago, for the first time in my life, I had the opportunity to relax, to move forward, to find a little peace and to radiate peace. Last year, for the first time in my life, I felt 'normal'. I felt normal. People saw and felt that I felt okay, that I was better, that I was stronger. I once felt a blanket around me. It didn't last long. I don't remember this time. I really don't know anymore. I can't continue living this way. I don't want to continue living this way. I can't handle that much pain. It's terribly lonely in my head, heart and soul. And what does that mean? What's lonely? The anxiety and stress make it terribly lonely. People are stress and anxiety. Especially people are a lot of stress and anxiety. But people are also connections. And if you are never relaxed, then connection is something very difficult. And then you can sit in a room with all your friends, but you still feel completely lonely and alone with all that fear and stress. But without connection, life has no meaning. Without connection you are an island in the Pacific Ocean, all alone. I don't want them anymore. I don't want the fear anymore. I don't want the stress anymore. A year ago I really had a chance at a better life, a more relaxed life, with less anxiety and stress. Happiness. What is happiness? Happiness is bullshit if you spend entire days suffering. Happiness is fun. Happiness sure is fun. And being happy every now and then is necessary. But happiness is above all a luxury. Happiness is a byproduct of doing nice things. And nice, that can only be done without stress and anxiety. And a year ago, that was finally possible. But someone else had to be happy. Without making an effort. And without me. And then my chance was gone. And now we are back on the same path. It is indeed a shame that it did not work out. 01/02/2020