Paulien

2025-02-22 22:23:39

It's been about a month and a half since we were together at Dirk's. I try to investigate things rather than understand them. Understanding is not healing. Understanding is not wanting to change. There is nothing to understand. Nobody ever understands anything. What exactly happened and why did it happen this way... I remain in love even though it is not easy. Sometimes I notice that my thinking is looking for someone to blame. Often that is even mainly myself. It happened. Too bad. I seem to have lost my best friend of the last five years forever. In some ways it is also good that this break has now happened. Hopefully just for a little while. I think a few things coincided. The Who am I week with Dirk, my release show, exhaustion after many months of preparation, winter, depression... I felt immensely let down, which triggered a lot for me. Apparently people really disappear from my life. Also partly because of me, of course. Now in retrospect I would have done things differently. Have been happy for Paulien. True love is rare, real friendship even rarer. Then of course you have to live by what you say. Walk your talk. Yet you weren't there at all. We have broken up several times in recent years without me completely breaking down. I just like Paulien too. Still. There is nothing you can do, Paulien, that would make me stop wanting to see you. We have had so many profound experiences together that you will be in my heart forever. Mitakuye Oyasin. Paulien, I love you, I'm sorry, forgive me and thank you. I love you in an unconditional way. At least that worked 95% of the time. Sometimes I also shoot in old patterns. I'm sorry for all the messages and emails and phone calls. Forgive me for thinking I was worthless. And thank you for all the wonderful moments we had together. The Ardennes, the boomerangs, playing football, Wissant, the trip to Pieter, Riederalp, saunas, Cadzand, the humor, the playfulness, breakfast, ... You will forever have a place in my heart. Bridges have been blown up but I hope they can be repaired. I felt worthless. In retrospect I also see that I dreamed of a future together with you. I didn't always realize that about myself. The investigation is still ongoing. I worked hard on myself for a month and a half, made myself more beautiful and stronger, examined myself and continued to enjoy life. I thought I'd write about that beautiful trip to Riederalp to process things. Mourning the loss. I hope our friendship will work out again someday.

Riederalp 2023. I often think about that ski trip. How wonderful it was. By car towards Switzerland. On the car train in Kandersteg. I don't remember many details anymore. We had a lot of stuff with us hahahaha. Ma, so much comfort that we had with us, not normal. To reduce costs. Almost died from exhaustion carrying all the bags to Els' chalet. I think we insurers brought ten plastic bags with stuff.

https://youtube.com/shorts/2-Mdo1JFEX4?feature=share

You arrived in Riederalp half sick and the first two days we had to open all the windows. I'm not going to write the details here on my blog hahahaha. Glad you made it through the second day and we were able to enjoy 10 wonderful days. Apparently the winter had been half a disaster in the ski area, in terms of conditions. Very little snow. We just didn't get around to that after a whole week of snow. Hupsa. Life. And beautiful weather. In ten days we have had one day of cloud cover. All other days we had radiant sunshine! Blessed. Blessed. Blessed. Els' chalet was the best. We had to fight a bit with the seats and the Chromecast for the TV, but otherwise much nicer than one of those apartments in France. The chalet smelled strangely the first two days, but then that went away ;-). The days were wonderful. Sunlit. Sun Sun Sun and more sun. In the morning I go to the shop downstairs for bread. Nice breakfast with eggs and fruit juice. Sometimes we made lunch to go skiing all day and sometimes we came back to the chalet in the afternoon. It was paradise. Not even an exaggeration.

Wow, it's been almost two years since this trip. So fast that time passes. If you can get up in the morning with a view like that, life couldn't get any better. So grateful to be able to wake up above the clouds with a view of the Matterhorn. In the evening we usually fell into the sofa exhausted. N netflix series, a few beers and chilling. We also went to Berghaus Toni one evening with the guitar to sing. Paulien sang a beautiful version of Lover you should have come over by Jeff Buckley. Wonderful atmosphere, lots of ambiance and how I love Femke & Sven! Wonderful people. The week was fantastic. I think we finally had a cloudy day on Thursday. We were almost grateful that for once we could just stay inside and do nothing. Ah yes, we went to the sauna! Not a great experience. Another Lieven Cardoen moment. There was a button like that in one of those saunas. Cardoen thought that button would start something in the sauna. Lighting or music or something else hahahaha. Ma apparently that was an emergency button. Hahahaha. Like if you had a cramp or something in the sauna and couldn't get out. Ahhhhhh that's why that man came to see what was going on. Very smart.

I have been on many beautiful snowboarding trips but this one is in the top three. The other two were alone with Romée and Odile. Once a week alone with Romée and Aunt Els and once a week alone with Odile and Aunt Els.

Strange how quickly memories fade. Paulien might be able to tell other anecdotes. We had a lot of fun together. Two sometimes clumsy people together. The nicest track was right there under those orange containers. Very wide and wonderful snow. Oh yes, those orange containers hit my mouth at the bottom of the elevator. My snowboard clicked into the snow at the front. This was the case with everyone who was joining us. Nice.

The evenings were also beautiful in the chalet. So many memories there. Been often. What a wonderful feeling after a whole day of skiing. Those shoes that you can take off. Your feet that feel freedom again. A hot shower. Tasty food. Abundance.

And in the evening we usually passed by that shop to buy a few pints and chips. The bags of chips that we have eaten over all these years... And then sitting there on that couch or against the wall enjoying the last rays of sunshine. This year I am going to France with Romée and Odile but hopefully next year again to Riederalp.

Normally we would return on Saturday, but Aunt Els allowed us to stay a little longer. We didn't have to work on Easter Monday so we could continue skiing on Saturday and Sunday. And beautiful weather again! I'm not sure, but I think we left for home on Monday. Drag your belongings back downstairs, take the elevator down, look for a car, load everything and leave for Belgium. This was one of the most beautiful, fun, wonderful ski trips of my life. Especially after all the hard work I had done at Agape, after all the hard years, after all the darkness, ... such a beautiful week full of sun, light, snow, humor, food, drinks, ... I am so grateful that we were able to experience this week together and I would immediately sign up for a lifetime together in this way.

A few more photos and videos to immortalize our friendship and love in this blog. Thank you Paulien, for everything. I love you, I'm sorry, forgive me and thank you.