Going on a trip - Red Fear Alert

I would rather get chronic hemorrhoids than experience the days before I travel. What happens unconsciously in my body is almost impossible to explain. It's like sending someone with agoraphobia into a square, throwing someone with arachnophobia into a bath full of spiders or burying someone with claustrophobia alive. It's the time that gives me the nightmare. If you had to tell me now, come on, we're gone, everything is ready, we're leaving now, then there is no time for stress. But something that is fixed in time makes me sick, literally. After 15 years I still haven't been able to figure out exactly what it is. All I know is that I can't possibly control it. I can take temesta, alprazolam, rivotril and a sleeping pill. And if I'm really having a hard time, I'll down a bottle of wine. But the hateful thing is that they are lost days beforehand. Days when you should actually look forward to a trip. I am completely paralyzed, unable to do anything except watch time pass by slowly. It's like working on the band. Performing is just the same. Something that is fixed in time. The only reason I can still bear to suffer like this is because performing and traveling are fun things. If Mélanie ever wants to marry me, she knows she has to wake me up one Saturday morning and say, "Honey, today we're getting married." This is how it should work. Otherwise I'm going to die from the stress before. In the meantime, my adrenal glands are exhausted from all that stress, but where does all that stress come from today. They have diagnosed autism, but are they absolutely sure? And nothing can really be done about it. Can I reprogram my brain into a non-autistic state? Choose brain. Reboot. Install OS Not Autistic. Thanks. But why the fear, why a heart rate of 120 three days in a row, why do I do it to myself? There is a fear somewhere that I am going to get sick. 15 years of CFS and especially being able to get sick at any time has caused a lot of damage. My confidence in my own body is completely lost. In those 15 years I have also traveled about 40 times. Each time with devastating fears, and only once was I really unable to leave due to being ill. 1 in 40 times. You would think that my brain would have solved the equation afterwards. But no Sir, absolutely not, 41st time traveling, just the same. Going completely crazy, going crazy, sweating, walking around, the minutes passing slowly, sleeping so as not to think. And all that for what? Serious. Not to be done. Don't worry about Cardoen, you're going on a trip, you lucky bastard, like that, I can only travel once a year, you 3 times, what is it with you, you bastard, little child, all that whining, pull yourself together, act fucking normal. Fuck off. Loving myself has seemed like an impossible task until now. To outsiders it doesn't seem too difficult, Lieven Cardoen, come on, he's so short. Well, what I lack is a normal brain, normally programmed. Give me the gift of a lobotomy, electric shocks, LSD, new brains, a life without traveling, without performances, without having to talk in front of groups, without people, without buses, a life without living ;-). I've had enough, I want to fight this monster, but the more I fight it, the bigger it becomes. I want to crush it, shoot it in the neck, beat it until it bleeds. I want to be able to look God in the eye and shit it out. Intelligent design, whhahahahahaha, my ass, I don't notice it, full of bugs, crashes, blue screens, stack overflows, memory leaks and bad software. What a mess, firing that designer.

I'm a prisoner of time.