Religion

If I love someone, she/he goes away.

Sturdy. It's not just that I feel worthless. It's deeper than that. I don't dare to look anymore because of the pain. I don't dare to see anything anymore because I think I am a burden. So I look for people who don't choose me. I think. It's an exercise. I notice that I carry that with me in relationships. And boundaries. Limits of myself. What are my limits? Suppose someone really chose me, what would that do to me? Very scary idea that someone would choose me. Maybe that means I have to move on, let go. There's something strange in me there. As if it would become too boring. I guess it just depends on who I meet. But what if I always relive and replay that trauma from when I was five years old? It seems that I seek out my father's energy and then prove that I am worth it at all costs. Sometimes. While I am already complete. I don't have to prove anything to anyone anymore. I've been here for 48 years and I've survived things that are too crazy for words. I am strong. I am a survivor. And I have to draw strength from that. It's enough, that old belief that I'm a burden.

Taking risks. Installing another religious belief. Also trusting people again, something that is extremely difficult. That's a difficult one, trusting people. I do notice that thanks to that training and the changes in myself, other people come into my life. Good people. People with their hearts in the right place. There is a huge fear in me to just let go. Peeing also means letting go. But really let go. That's why I go back to Cindy for Kambo. If there is one thing that can help you let go, it is Kambo. Shit scared I am from that Kambo. There is also the most to gain. Shit Scared for that Vision Quest too. There is also a lot to gain there. Letting go. What would happen if I could let go of everything? I notice it's a strange thought. Victim for 43 years? And stuck in that? Accept that we are not going to get out of this in 1 2 3. Practice, practice, practice.

No need to rush to find out. In fact, it's better to stop thinking about it and try to understand it. It's an answer that only comes to you by playing more, by living your life to the fullest, and by being who you already are: someone who is strong.

In the last 6 weeks the number below has often given me a little bit of light in the car. And dance and movement. I think the energy in that music is incredible. Good headphones or stereo are necessary.

Rise up fallen fighters
Rise and take your stance again
Is he who fight and run away
Live to fight another day

As a man sow, shall he reap
And I know that talk is cheap
But the harder the battle
A the sweeter Jah victory

The heathen back dey 'pon the wall

In Bob Marley's song "The Heathen," the phrase "The heathen back dey 'pon de wall" is a line from the song's chorus. In Jamaican Patois, "dey 'pon de wall" translates to "there upon the wall." The term "heathen" traditionally refers to non-believers or those lacking faith. In the context of Marley's lyrics, it symbolizes oppressors or adversaries. The imagery of the heathen being "upon the wall" suggests they are in a vulnerable or defensive position. This aligns with the song's broader message of resilience and resistance against oppression. Marley encourages "fallen fighters" to "rise and take your stance again," emphasizing that those who retreat can regroup and continue their struggle. The line underscores the idea that oppressors are not invincible and that perseverance can lead to eventual victory.