Would you like to be married to yourself?
Shit. My first reflex is to say no. I have this belief that I am a burden and that people are relieved when I disappear from their lives. Maybe that resonates even more than feeling worthless, being a burden. I feel like being a burden is worse than being worthless. You can leave worthless things behind, but you have to carry a burden. Of course there are also good things. Let's see.
Lists may not be that valuable. Truths are also fluid. Still grateful to Anouchka for helping to look for strengths. And focus on that a little more and be grateful for that. That may be the point, that I focus on those people who trigger that in me and don't see the others.
What strengths do you bring? - I notice that this is received much less than the weaknesses. Today I asked Anouchka for her help with this. However, I actually didn't manage to find any decent strong points.
* Considerate
* Teacher
* Not afraid to look at difficult parts of myself
* Not afraid of the monster in me and others
* In search of the truth
* Very powerful sexual energy ;-)
* Extremely charming - (the incredibly comes from Anouchka)
* Seducer
* Solution-oriented
*Good leader
* No nonsense
* Expressive
* Vulnerable and candid
I notice that those strengths don't come in as powerfully. It is overshadowed by what is below. But I'm going to work on bringing out the best in myself.
What behavior makes you difficult to live with? - Hits you much harder
* Abandonment anxiety - Fear of commitment- Abandonment or commitment is not really clear. It is an attraction and repulsion. I also need to learn to give myself permission to set boundaries. And stick to those boundaries. And try to build a relationship within those boundaries.
*It's never enough
* Autism - Difficult to accept things - Really difficult to let things go and move on.
* Anxious in groups or places with many people - Socially this is extremely difficult for a partner, I notice, because friends or family can rarely get to know me the way my partner knows me. Maybe that is possible if I respect my own boundaries and with someone who also gives me the space to be myself.
* Not knowing what I want in life
* If I listen, I will immediately start digging into people - out of safety so that I know who I am dealing with
* Arrogant - is in high contrast with fear and little self-confidence - I notice that that is something difficult in my life. Mentally gifted and sometimes bordering on arrogant. I was hurt very badly at the heart level in the past, resulting in that religious burden.
* Splitting
* Manipulate
* Wanting the other to suffer as much as me - that is really an ugly thing about me, that I find it difficult to wish others happiness. Probably because I often suffer so much myself. Or think about giving up. That's an important nuance, by the way. The focus can also go from suffering to enjoying because there is a lot of enjoyment in my life.
* Quickly forget the good things - On the other hand, I often continue with the good memories.
* Reacting emotionally from old pain
Do you live in a way that brings out the best in yourself? I understand that question but I cannot answer it directly. What I can immediately say is that I focus quite a bit on getting rid of those difficult things. And not enough focus on the good things. I work more with the complaint than the strength. And behind every complaint there is also a force. Something like that. I'm going to include those things in my prayer. Being grateful for those good things and mildness for difficult, uglier things.
And in a few years I will come back to this blog post. And I can write a second version after a few more years of working on myself. And play. In the world. Discover. Be curious.
Listened to this set below by Honey Dijon often in recent days. Beautiful woman. Transgender. Respect for choosing yourself like this.
https://youtu.be/m_qewI-1cEs?si=Q14wwM_2g4nZl8v1