Fatigue

They had to invent a new word for the kind of immense fatigue I sometimes feel. Especially when my two daughters are with me, because then you can't just put all your responsibilities aside and sleep. I guess it's a kind of fatigue that you have to experience in a war. Being exhausted and yet hyper alert. Just relax with the sound of bombing in the background. Something like that.

It was a good day, but often I'm even too tired for the next day. Jesus Christ I would love to have some rest and relaxation. I don't need a week's travel, I need a year's travel. Or do a few lives the first time. A few lives of happiness, flow, nature, sun, sea, beach, Hawaii, ...

Safety. What is that? Feeling really safe. Free. Being able to make choices out of freedom and not out of fear. What is consciousness if you don't choose your thoughts. I seem to be spinning in an eternal wheel of the same destructive negative thoughts. I seem to be spinning in an eternal wheel of rebirth in lives that have already happened. If time and space are relative, then what is this here... I am aware of everything that just seems to happen. A spectator of my own life. As if you are watching a movie whose story you are trying to change. Life seems to have happened to me. Everything happened without my say. Everything exploded around me without warning.

And tomorrow we continue again, another day. If you experience enough trauma in your life, there comes a point when you can no longer move forward or backward. Then you sit down. Then you stop. Then you surrender. Could that be my liberation? Give it up? Giving up the illusion of control. Giving up the illusion of free will. No longer participating in the game? Is what I write here out of my own free will or do I just write down what comes to mind?

Was the thought of taking my laptop and writing out of choice? Was the thought of buying this laptop out of choice? Who decides what I type?

With Corona everything has become even more surreal. Millions of people living in fear and projecting all that fear. And all without free will. Isn't derealization completely normal? I mean, seriously, who doesn't go crazy about this life and this planet and this world? Who doesn't go crazy about this society? Derealization... Dissociation... Depersonalization... Isn't blissful ignorance the lack of those things?

https://www.psycholoog.nl/ complaints/depersonalisatie-derealisatie/

Do you recognize the above points and do you want to get rid of your complaints quickly? Find a psychologist near you here who specializes in depersonalization/derealization, without waiting time. Would you like more information first? Then read on.

Whahahahhaha, yes, please very quickly actually. I would have liked to see those complaints resolved very quickly. Preferably by 12 noon tomorrow. Then I can eat a salad at my leisure, without derealization and all that. There's really no one on the planet who knows what we're doing here. Nobody. Not the greatest shaman, not the richest oligarch, not the most enlightened Buddha. Nobody. Everyone lies in their bed at night without knowing what we are doing here. But there are people who are safe in their beds. People who know there are others for them. People who grew up without trauma. I want that. Then I would quickly get rid of those complaints. Most problems arise from fear and tension. Give me a shot of morphine and the symptoms will disappear quickly.

The positivity has been dripping lately. People will feel inspired by my blog, I'm sure. Hope is powerful, but sometimes the truth can also be written down. I think. But who am I? I think. Thoughts come to mind, words appear in my head, the muscles in my fingers are activated via neural networks and the words appear on my laptop screen. Soon I will press Publish and this text will appear somewhere online via networks on planet Earth. Subsequently, people may land on this page, again not by choice, but by their thoughts. And then they read these words. And then they might post a message about how retarded I am and how I need to 'man up'. About how to be positive. About how to create happiness yourself. And all not of your own free will. Derealization, dissociation, depersonalization, damn it. I'm going to take my pill tomorrow morning so that I can convince myself that all this has one great meaning. So that the chemistry is good again in my body and the hormones are in balance. Then we can continue another day in this amusement park of life and death.

Anyway. We continue dancing. We continue to sing. We complain further. We saw further. We continue to cry. We continue laughing. We continue playing. We hope further. We dream on. Further and further. Always further away. Further away from paradise. Longing. I long for paradise. To being relaxed. To being home.

To safety.

Absent fathers, lost sons.