Memory loss

Intention and context are everything when it comes to natural medicine plants. The same goes for marijuana. Last time was the most beautiful evening of my life, surfing a beautiful positive wave. This time it was perhaps the strangest evening of my life. About five minutes after taking maybe 7 puffs I disappeared into a world without control.

What is remarkable this time is that I did not really experience panic. Rather, I observed it, as if I were doing a science experiment. Fortunately, P. was back to convince me that it would pass. It was actually not completely okay, and not that funny, and in retrospect I wonder what benefit I got from marijuana. It doesn't seem like a great drug to me. It requires a lot of energy, the day after you don't feel too good, and at the moment you don't know anything anymore. So what's the point... Shamans have also told me that marijuana is a dangerous drug that requires a lot of energy. Kambo, for example, gives a lot of energy.

This time it was a very strange experience. I was away for about thirty seconds each time, only to be present again for about ten seconds. As if I kept going under water only to resurface for a moment. Ego gone, ego back. Off, on, off, on... During those ten seconds I tried really hard to stay above water, with all my focus and strength, but I kept going back under the water. I don't have the impression that it was my ego that disappeared, it felt more like my consciousness went out for a moment. It wasn't that I felt more connected when I went underwater. Actually it was just a blackout, complete. My short term memory was gone.

I said something and 3 seconds later I didn't remember I had said anything, let alone what I had said. One minute I was here, the next minute I was there. I think the difference with that most beautiful evening of my life was mainly my new house. There wasn't enough space, there was no trampoline. there wasn't enough framework or spontaneity. It was probably a bit too forced, hoping that it would be the same experience as that evening somewhere in June. Context and intention are very important. I think that was wrong this time. That together with the fact that marijuana today is so punishing that it is no longer fun. I want marijuana that is ten times lighter.

We then went for a walk in the Rozenbroeken to pass the time. It wasn't that I necessarily wanted it to be over immediately, but I do know that I was afraid it would never go away. Time is my greatest fear. Always. Also during a Kambo. There's no button to turn it off, to make it stop. You can't fight it. That's why I wonder why I do it. Kambo is different, I felt great there the next day. With marijuana I feel completely empty the next day. No good. No good. When we got back home, P. looked at what the name of that weed was. Amnesia. No kidding. My short term memory was gone and that weed was called Amnesia. Memory loss. Not fun actually. Nothing nice about it actually. Imagine if you just had that, memory loss, what hell.

Our memories largely determine who we are. I don't know if that's a good thing, often not likely, but who are you without memories? And how can you function without a short-term memory? Very strange evening. Such medicine strengthens your feelings. And this time the feeling was neutral at the start. Maybe that made it even more neutral. Irrelevant. Empty.

We will continue with the scientific research. Little by little. I won't soon forget this strange evening. I look forward to other medicines, more like Kambo, that have a connecting effect. I am also very attracted to Kambo, but for the time being the shock is still far too great. I have no idea what I can do about that, to be honest.

Greetz, Harakiri Komorebi