Darkness

Being healthy seems to depend more on structure than on content. The children (not your R and O) are giving me immense resistance today. After last weekend, a crack seems to have appeared in the little structure I had. There was the hope that the crack would close again, but apparently that is not going as smoothly as expected. Letting go of control... control of what... of life? And if you let go of control, will you die? Or is there something else... like being relaxed, being free, no longer surviving, no more fighting...

What happened three years ago, the fact itself, is not that important. What I have more difficulty with is that I wanted to make a statement against life, and it turned out to be a statement of life against myself. I wasn't allowed to leave here. Or at least not that way. Now I feel like life makes the decisions and not me. Does that even exist, free will? You don't choose your thoughts, do you? You don't choose the sounds you hear, do you? You don't choose your breath, do you? You don't choose what you see, do you? Can I give up everything... just stop paying bills, stop getting up in the morning for work, stop eating, stop drinking, stop eating healthy, stop 'smoking', just stop. Is there a difference between living and surviving?

At times like these I wonder if everyone notices that we don't know what we are doing here. Or do people only notice that when death looks them in the face? Why is it that the people around me seem to glide through life with ease... I often find it terrible. I often find the concept of 'life' horrifying. We build a narrative around it about meaning, meaning, heaven and hell, rebirth, ... but in everything, language simply falls short to say anything meaningful about it. Nobody knows what we're doing here. Nobody. People try to stay healthy with the help of power, fear, money and structure. Content doesn't matter. We tell ourselves that we want to save the planet, but we are not even remotely successful. The world is no better now than it was 100 or 500 or 2000 or 10,000 years ago. There has always been duality and there will always be duality.

Fear of death seems to be central. And projection of that fear of death. To be forgotten forever. Eternally. Always. Never again. And the strange thing is that now I can take a Valium and then within an hour I feel relaxed and then there is no problem anymore. So there is something of significance there too. It is not just mentally accepting that everything is what it is. There is also your body. A body that lives in fear, regardless of what the brain tells that body. A kind of bodily memory. Cells that remember. It's not nothing either, this little life of mine. Sometimes I think I'm too deep in the NOW.

The power of the NOW. But there is not only power in that NOW. It's also very scary to be honest. Because what are you without a past and a future... Without memories you never know who you are. And without dreams of a future you seem to be going crazy. Being able to tell ourselves things seems to be an absolute requirement for being happy. And the better you can tell yourself things, the easier it is to be happy. The more blind and deaf you are, the easier you will glide through this life. I don't want to see anymore. I want to undo what I have discovered over the past twenty years. I would like to be part of a big family, as a constant blanket of warmth, security and safety.

What can I see? Man man man man, what a noise, what a noise, what a noise. I'm tired. Corona only makes the prison of life bigger. The illusion of meaning and meaning. Trying every day not to lose my mind. Isn't it strange that we always seem to need money? Money, paper, digital, something that doesn't exist, that you can't eat, that you can't drink and that you can't sleep under...

Sell this house, quit your job and rent something somewhere in nature... Letting go. Putting all obligations aside. Fuck you 'life'. Fuck you. Goddamn, goddamn, goddamn. It is also my planet. What a strange world today with Corona. Who are these people who think that something can be controlled... Peace out, I'm going back to work in my attic without social contact, without meaning, without meaning and without free will. That has been difficult in recent weeks. And FUCK OFF CORONA.

How long will this farewell last,
Dancing between death and life, protecting without a blanket,
We are all often lost, and on weekends like this reborn as children,
GOD DAMN, GOD DAMN, GOD DAMN,
Screaming and calling, Eternally Seeking,
Grateful for life, grateful for death.

Connected Living, April 2021, Authentic Movement