My Achilles Tendon and the Feeling of Being Stuck

The Achilles tendon just keeps on nagging me. And nagging me. About seven years ago, the left one tore completely off, and now I’ve been dealing with an inflammation in the other one for a year and a half. I honestly have no idea how to get rid of it, and it feels strange that I’ve been able to endure this for so long. Usually my body heals itself, but this Achilles tendon inflammation just keeps lingering. An MRI showed that there isn’t much going on, except maybe a very small tear. The seven years of hydrocortisone probably didn’t help either. And recently I’ve already had two PRP treatments. But so far, I don’t notice much improvement from the PRP. On the contrary — it seems to be getting worse faster.

At some point, you start searching and searching, and of course you end up on Google. What could be the spiritual meaning of an Achilles tendon… The first thing I came across was a site talking about the need for recognition. With things like that, I often think of horoscopes — they always manage to say something you can recognize yourself in. Recognition. I’m back with my father this week, and recognition does feel like something very important. Recognition of the fact that you are a son and a child, recognition of the suffering you’ve felt, recognition of all the fighting and surviving. Do we do this to ourselves? Do we look for recognition in others while maybe it’s something we can only really find within ourselves? Do we acknowledge our own suffering and our own pain? Or are we waiting for someone else to acknowledge it? I don’t know. What I do notice is that my father is mostly busy with himself. He never really comes to rest, and in a way, he’s never really here. I also don’t know what I’m still doing in Puimichel, in the Provence. It feels more than useless to be here. Trying to retrieve something that’s been gone since I was five years old. Recognition. Choosing myself. Choosing myself 300%. Maybe then the pain would disappear.

Living in the countryside, making music, building a home out there, two dogs, a cat, nature, waking up with the sun, going to sleep with the sun, recognizing myself, recognizing my longing for rest, recognizing my own needs.

It’s about self-worth and the conflicts around it. The fear of not being accepted by the group.

That fear is very present in me, but not very visible on the surface. You wouldn’t think so at first glance, but it’s huge. God. Sometimes I don’t want to think about any of it anymore. More has gone wrong than right in my life, and honestly there are more body parts than just my Achilles tendon that hurt. But the Achilles tendon is definitely the worst. Self-worth and conflict. Choosing yourself really does seem selfish. Not being accepted by the group… trying enormously hard to be accepted, and in doing so losing sight of your own self-worth. Resulting in a conflict within yourself.

The book described an Achilles tendon rupture as a manifestation of not being fully yourself. A consequence of not taking good care of yourself, of taking on a lot of responsibility for others, but not for yourself.

I am absolutely certain that I am not fully myself. I run away from myself. It’s not that I want to take care of others or deliberately take responsibility, but I definitely don’t take good care of myself and I rarely put myself first. It looks like I put myself first. Probably because I often suddenly have no other choice after not taking care of myself enough. Taking care of myself is hard. Staying home, resting, being alone — I find all of that very difficult. I seem to be carrying far too much, which might also explain why I’m gaining more and more weight. But how do you solve that… How the hell do you solve that. And is all that spiritual meaning around Achilles tendons even true? Because according to Sam Harris, we don’t have free will and everything is mostly a matter of chance.

Tendon inflammations, like heel spurs, often arise when you force yourself. When you’re not dealing with something in a flexible way. You’re rigid or stubborn, or you literally dig your heels in. Achilles tendon problems often arise when people feel like they can’t move forward in life.

Well… I am absolutely not flexible. Fuck. I am the opposite of flexible. And I do indeed feel like I’m not moving forward in life. It’s some kind of survival mode. Day by day. No future. And preferably without my past. Not moving forward. I keep getting stuck. Why am I back in Puimichel again… What am I still doing here? I would have been better off staying home, working on my house. Making it a home. If I can make a home in the countryside, why not start with what I already have?

Achilles tendon inflammation — do you feel like a victim? (“I’m just…”, “I can’t move forward.”)

Yeah. Victim. Yes, definitely. I do feel like a victim. But how do you get rid of that…

Achilles tendon — see HEELS or HEEL BONE INFLAMMATION and add the idea that you want to show your strength.

Showing my strength. I would really love to show my strength for once. Being independent. Making an album. Doing something with my music. Believing in myself.

I didn’t really become any wiser from it. My internet search for spiritual meaning. I also read “resolving conflict,” but how do you resolve a conflict if the other party doesn’t want to? I feel constant stress and tension and I’m so fucking tired of it. I want to be able to sleep anywhere again. I want to relax again. I want to simply feel safe. I want to feel as if there’s constantly a blanket over me. A blanket of people who are there for me, who acknowledge me, defend me, protect me… Honestly, I have no idea how to ever get that again. Maybe through a miracle — but three years ago, a miracle already happened once.

It all hurts so much. Yes, I have a house, a job, two beautiful daughters, a wonderful partner, talent, friends, and so on. But I’m also full of anxiety every single day and completely overstimulated. It’s horrible to wake up and not even feel free.

It reads and smells like victimhood. All of it. Goddammit.

Update — since this post gets a lot of views according to my statistics, I want to mention what helped me medically. Shockwave therapy. I assume every Achilles tendon is different, as is every burden and every pain, but in my case shockwave therapy made it possible for me to walk 25 km again if I want to. Running is still tricky. Running occasionally, for example once a week, is absolutely fine. But as soon as I increase the frequency, say three times a week, things start to go wrong again.